Cluttered

Climb over mounds of garbage, socks, shirts and jeans.

How high this mountain doth grow.

I thought I had a cat, where was it last seen?

This used and squished milk carton I must not throw.

Maybe I will need it someday?

I’ll put in on the piles, like waves in the sea.

Where is that cat today?

Ah yes, I found the TV,  what show will it be?

TV’s broken, I had better keep that, I may need it later.

I must get dinner ready

Where is the refrigerator?

No matter, take out is easier and always ready.

The boxes will add to my sea of precious valuable stuff.

No one visits me anymore, Oh well, they just don’t dare

This world is gone crazy and rough.

But I’m safe in here with the things that matter, I still care.

 

 

 

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Online Dating

 

This year I opened myself up to all experiences. I am officially open to people, and receptive of the needs that I regularly deny myself. Finding people is hard. I don’t think it’s because I’m unattractive or a crazy lady.  I try the in person routes, but to no success.  It’s like they are too self involved in their day to realize they just got hit on. Or maybe I am a bit too forward. Hmm, would it be too forward you think if a woman walked up to you and said:

“Hey, your cute. Wanna date?”

Haha, of course that is NOT what I do, but that is what is said on the internet, (in a much more vanilla wording.)

Since regular routes are not working for friends or for finding a date I’ll give the online date world a try.  Well here is what has happened thus far.

I look around for some dating sites, I choose one and fill out my profile, feels like an hour has passed just talking about myself. Since I am not narcissistic this is an uncomfortable task.  I understand that I must let someone know a bit about me, but what do you say?

I am a crazy person by day and serial killer by night. Want to know more? Send me a message!

Or I could say something like;

I am a quiet and career focused  lady by day but I am called mistress DeWinter by night. Crack that whip!

No, this will not do at all. Fun to say, only not truthful. I fill it out as honestly as I can, then take a pic of myself and post all this information for the masses in the abyss to judge me. Dating feels like it has become an auction. (Do I hear One bid, one, one how about two! Sold!)

If you have been judged worthy you get a “hey” or a “meet me” pic.  How disappointing. “Hey” is the new pick up line.  A single word. Not even enough intellectual thought for a “how are you today?” Or worse yet the ever so popular;

“Hey, you are beautiful (or cute) wanna be my FWB?”

For those who don’t know what FWB is, its Friends with benefits. I am sure everyone knows this, but just in case I thought I would go ahead and say it.

What happened to the creative pick up lines that sound cheesy or even make you laugh. You know those lines are all crap, but it’s fun to have some man make the effort to try.

Man:”Was you father a thief?”

Woman: “no.”

Man: “Then who stole that stars from the skies and put them in your eyes?”

Ha ha, those horrible cheesy lines. What happened? That was fun, made me smile and broke the ice for conversation to open up.

Ah, those were the days. haha. As far as the “meet me” app I get 50 or more “meet me” daily. Do you honestly think that someone is looking at all of them? This is not what I am wanting at all. This feels so superficial and cheap. I don’t need my ego stroked, and I don’t want men to judge me on my looks. Sure physical attraction is a plus, however, there is so much more to a relationship than looks.

Anyhow, with a “hey” the game begins. (This is the most mind numbing form of dating I have ever experienced.)  I of course am trying to play the game, ya know, don’t hate the player type thing so get on board. I click through the many images of men who want to “chat with me”. Then I return with the same lack of courting skills (since it appears to be the norm) and “hey back”.

Trying to find the rose among weeds is a daunting task. I would guess that out of 10 chats, 6 are wanting sex tonight so give them your cell number and lets get busy!  And just for good measure they send you a picture of their penis, fully erect and ready for your to hop on! Then there is about 3 who want to talk about sex and hope that you are eventually going to give in. Then there is one. You think may be a possible meet. Grate!  Your conversations were open and creative and you are actually looking forward to meeting this man. Now you arrange a meet. Prepare yourself, after meeting and the awkwardness of the initial hello is over guess what he wants to talk about or do? Just take a wild, crazy guess? If you guessed sex you are correct! Out of 10 messages you narrowed things down to, put in your time and effort for at least a couple weeks and you end up with… zero prospects. So anti-climatic!

Do you think this makes me bitter? No, not at all. Only frustrated. I absolutely love men. I love how they smell, how they look, how they laugh and how they love, talk and treat a woman. Men are one of the best creatures on this planet. Only if they are raised right of course. You know, don’t teach your sons that woman are just dip stick holders.

Where are the men among men who take the time to write a proper hello, take the proper time to read through the profile. Who knows, maybe he will realize she is crazy and you don’t want her, or maybe he may feel like she is someone who you want to work your ass off to win over.

Online dating…I am not sure how this is going to work out but I am still trying to find even a friend. I’m a good person online so, reason says that maybe there is another good person online.

Wish me luck!

Co-Dependant or Co-Addict

I am revealing something that is very hard to put out to the abyss, but I hope it helps someone out there. I recently made a discovery about myself while trying to heal from a broken, very close friendship. You do not need to be romantically involved to feel a huge loss. I dated addicts before and never had an issue, however, I forgot a very important part of that past experiences. I was also an addict, and could not truly love either, so when a relationship went bad I thought nothing of it. I just thought we were not comparable or I thought he was a jerk and moved on somewhat easily.  So, I thought it would be fine to be friends with this man now. Only to discover that since I no longer abuse drugs and alcohol, I am feeling my feelings stronger now.

It felt so good you know? To see you are loved through someones eyes, the respect he has for you, the admiration he has for you, just felt so dam good. Than when we started to get close he changed the relationship. It started to hurt how he would objectify me. I was no longer able to see that wonderfulness in his eyes.

I hurt for weeks upon weeks, a hallowed feeling inside, like someone just scooped out an ice cream scoop of my soul. I cried all the time, I felt a loss that I really did not know how to deal with or fix. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of evil in this world and was able to come back from it in tact, but this particular feeling I just did not know how to deal with. I am not at all saying he was evil, heavens no. Such a wonderful man he truly is. Just he is an addict and he is far enough in that he displays the traits that hurt me. I love him so much, even still. He was after all my close friend, I thought.

In doing an online search of how to heal after a breakup, even though we were not physical it is still a relationship. I couldn’t find anything that was relevant to how I was feeling. Than I decided to search, how to heal from a relationship with an addict and BINGO! I found articles on exactly how I was feeling, exactly what had happened in our relationship. It was a slap in the face, a double-edged sword. I learned that I possibly was that hurtful when I was doing drugs.

Apparently I am a co-addict or co-dependant. Meaning that because of my passiveness to that type of person I will put their needs above mine. But I have a strong personality so how could this be true? I am dominant in life and over come many evils and obstacles. Inside I am still that abused hurt little girl who always has no one hearing my voice, never have I truly let that go, I guess.

“A co-addict must get down to the root of their problems and stop deflecting them with the addict’s problems.” (http://addictionblog.org/family/loving-a-drug-addict-can-a-drug-addict-truly-love/)

I encourage anyone who is in a relationship with an addict to please go get some help to find your root causes of why you do this to yourself. Make the changed in your life to be happier, even if that means letting go of the man/woman you love now. Your voice is important, you are valuable and you do come first.

I have found a group called Nar-Anon. It is like alcoholic/drug addicts anonymous groups. Still a 12 Step program, but I am willing to try to make my relationship healthy and to make myself stronger.  Please check this group out in your local area, it is worldwide. I wish you luck, love and happiness.

 

Objectified

As you know I have opened myself up for dating, and I had met someone who was wonderful. So fun to be with, looked at me with loving eyes and he cared a lot about me. But then overnight it changed and I was left playing catch up, wondering what happened. So, he pulled me apart, he picked at me looking for things that were ugly. Anyone looks ugly if you pick them apart enough. He no longer looked at me with love and admiration in his eyes.  I think he did all this in an attempt to make it so he can push me away without hurting himself, or maybe he didn’t even realize it. Either way, it hurt me deep. Deep into my soul. Even though this happened I still love my friend. But apart we did go. Here is what I see it all as.

 

Objectified

Such a tower of strength you are

Yet so sweet and kind,

So beautiful inside and out.

How you listen to me with an open heart

You are playful and loving,

How close I feel to you

I want to be with you always.

 

I feel so close, such a pull to be with you

It scares me to feel so much for someone.

I care about you so much it hurts.

There must be something wrong with you?

There must be something you are hiding?

 

I see it now, you are flawed.

You are a whore,

You are fat and ugly, inside and out.

Look at you, so hideous

You are so gross, I gag on your ugliness

How could I have ever cared about you?

 

Finding Inner Strength

On Tuesday I had an interesting conversation with someone who I thought was a dear close friend. Sadly he is no longer in my close circle but, still a friend from afar. We were talking about how to inspire my daughter to find her strength and ambition to create her own life journey as she is a little stuck. Sadly, he said that the way to get her to want to be something more is to have sex. Because when you have sex it makes you feel so good about yourself that you want to do more, you want to be better, and have an independent life from parents.

This surprised me because he puts on a good confidence show, I had not realized until that moment how much he gets his “confidence” from external acceptance. He has no inner rock, no inner stability that validates himself by himself. (This is not the reason he is no longer in my close circle of course, there are many other factors that I needed to look at to keep myself balanced and in peace.) I also want to say that letting people go from my life is never an easy decision, I value each person so deeply, so strongly that it hurts me to say goodbye. Honestly, I cry for loss.

So, today I want to write about an issue that I feel may help some people. I have always been told how strong and independent, and resilient I am. How I have a presence that makes people gravitate towards me. Well today I am going to share something I learned. I learned this skill as a child dealing with abuse, neglect and how I found a way to pull through and rise above. I had help along the way, I put faith in strangers and learned from conversing with people. Learn from other’s mistakes so you don’t have to make it.

Of course this is not the end all be all, but I hope it can help when making the decision. Of course I can also become invisible when I want to but, that is another conversation for another time.

Over the years I have watched people in their relationships, career choices and interactions and noticed that so many people have a very noticeable lack of confidence. I too have gone through a crash in the confidence department, recently actually. But because I had already found my inner rock and I also linked my inner rock to something visual. I visualize it with the moon. For me, the moon is usually guaranteed to always be available, well most nights. The night is a time that I can focus without distraction to “talk things out with the moon”. Since I am a very visual person this helps me to lift myself up again and again.

The skill in finding inner confidence takes some time, practice and maybe even a little experimentation, so please be patient with yourself. Tweek this suggestion so it works for you, everyone is different and needs to visualize or feel or hear to discover new ideas and new ways to grow. So, just because it works for me in this way maybe you need to adjust this to suit you so it works for you. But do keep an open mind please, and if you want to grow confidence then you must keep practising. Remember that we all have times where even the most beautiful or the successful people are self-conscious and reek low self esteem. The difference is shaking off that negative and replacing it with inner strength quickly to not keep or drag you down or worse, drag down others.

Confidence is not about body size or shape, it is not about money or fame. It is not about being validated by the affections from someone else. It is all in our own mind. Know yourself first! Know what you want out of life, relationships and who you are. For example: If you are with a man pushing to have sex with you and you don’t want it, you have the power to say no. If he tries to make you feel guilty about it, then he is definitely not for you. If he says he will leave you, then say goodbye. Your feelings are important, they are legit and you must value yourself so much that your values are never compromised. Your strength comes from you knowing what you want and don’t want. You see?

Here is the start, think about a time you felt confident. Got it? Now think of the feeling you had, how did you feel? Did you make a decision in that time? How did that feel? This feeling you had localize where in your body you felt the most powerful confidence. Did you feel it in your chest? Maybe your stomach? Perhaps your head?

This is the energy you want to focus on now, feel that confidence build, think of being positive, easily laughing, the feeling of courage even. Are you feeling great about yourself? This place that you are generating your confidence from is where you will reach to when you feel the worst and when you need a little boost. Your mind will actively be trying to be positive and fun when you recreate this. This combination is where you find the greatest strength to look at any situation and see it for what it is.

I find that I can feel stronger feelings, and passion from this combination. I feel love so much more intensely, I feel the desire laugh much more easily and I crave it. People love to be around people who really laugh at their jokes, who are not stiff and ridged and a rule freak. So, relax, and generate that confidence energy and use your mind to enhance that energy to a stronger, more self aware you.

I hope this helps you to feel sexy, to feel strong and to have the ability to make better choices because you know you deserve the best out of life.

 

 

 

 

Drawing A Hero

Today I felt like drawing, so I decided since I have to go check on a friends kid today I would bring him a gift. (The kid, not the friend). I scoured the internet to find an image I could try to draw and sprinkle a little me style over it. Here is what I made for him. He is of German decent so I tried to add a little culture to it as well and the familiar Mortal Instruments symbol for fun. I hope he likes it.

Draw A Hero

Goodbye Dear Friend

I recently had to say goodbye to a man who I put into my close friend circle. I could see in him some qualities that I found admirable. Of course I did, I don’t hang out with crap personalities. I enjoyed to spend time with him as I could share in the positive loving energy, and then our relationship changed.

It started to get to where I felt like I was walking on egg shells. I no longer knew myself and started to feel like I was supposed to changed. This was of course on my part as he never asked this of me, however, I felt that I did not know what he wanted from me. I felt that what I felt was not being valued.

I would hear his words and believed them as I put a great deal of trust on honesty, however his actions did not follow his words, so there was no balance there. Of course there was more but the point is, I started to feel uneasy around him. I started to drink again just to numb the confusion. I started to consider compromising my values to make him happy.

This is of course not a healthy relationship, in any type of relationship. So when is it time to let the person you care about, (be it friend, lover, mate, or whomever) go? Well definitely before it got to where I let it get. This is my own weakness. I always think that this is just a rough patch. I also keep thinking that maybe I am the one who is causing issues where there is none. This is just a left over self doubt I have and am working on one step at a time. I love myself though, I know who I am and am very grateful for this. I stated to him who I am and basically if you want in my life this is it, respect this or your not in my close friendship life.  Of course as I see him around I will still be friends, only, from afar.

This is hard as I grew to valued him, in fact I value everyone, and am always open to closeness with my friend circle. However, I value myself above this. I also believe in the Hermetic Law and sometimes the time that we spend with someone is over. Its purpose has been served. So, when you feel like this, perhaps its time to move on, all I know, is saying goodbye is never easy, and even though he was just a friend, he was still a friend. I am sorry to find out he didn’t value me, but please if you are going through loss of a friend or more, please stay true to yourself. You are valuable, your opinions and needs matter too.

“I wish you love and happiness, I wish you success and peace…Goodbye dear friend.”

I hope this story helps you to feel strong when dealing with a relationship that is not a healthy one.

Forever Love

Forever pursue me, like the devil lust for souls,

Forever chase me, like the sun does the moon,

Forever follow me, like ducklings in the pond.

Forever protect me, like a mamma bears cub .

Forever walk beside me, like rows in a garden.

Forever love me with passion, like an artist painting a master piece.

Forever laugh with me, like kids in a park.

 

 

 

 

 

Lonely Nights

Adult/sexual content warning!!!! Today I am wanting to try to write something a little more exciting. Hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it.

I lie here alone, this bed feels so much bigger without you under it’s sheets. I still smell you cologne, intoxicating, it fills the bedroom reminding me of your your body against mine. I still feel your heart beating, your muscles tensing and hear you deep breathing in my ear.

I close my eyes, I try to fall asleep. I see your eyes and feel you touching my body. I feel you squeeze my breasts, nibble and suck on my nipples. I feel you lick my neck, and slowly kiss me all-the-way-down. Your tongue sends shivers all over my body.

I touch myself to make it real. I squeeze my breast like you do. I put my hand between my legs like you do. My breath deepens, heart begins to rush. My fingers caress my clitoris like you do. I breath faster, a little moan, muscles tense. I move my hips as I push my fingers inside, I curl my finger like you do, in search of the point that makes me moan louder. I imagine your hard penis thrusting deep inside me, bringing me to orgasm.

When it’s all over I am still alone. I can hardly bare sleeping under these sheets without you.

 

 

Frisky

The night makes me feel a little frisky,

The music makes me think a little naughty,

The smoke in the drink’s got me a little hazy,

I’m wanna cause something a little crazy.

 

Swaying to the music, with my little sexy dance,

She don’t like it, but I can tell by your glance,

Your thinking we should make a little romance,

Come over here and take  a chance.