I am revealing something that is very hard to put out to the abyss, but I hope it helps someone out there. I recently made a discovery about myself while trying to heal from a broken, very close friendship. You do not need to be romantically involved to feel a huge loss. I dated addicts before and never had an issue, however, I forgot a very important part of that past experiences. I was also an addict, and could not truly love either, so when a relationship went bad I thought nothing of it. I just thought we were not comparable or I thought he was a jerk and moved on somewhat easily. So, I thought it would be fine to be friends with this man now. Only to discover that since I no longer abuse drugs and alcohol, I am feeling my feelings stronger now.
It felt so good you know? To see you are loved through someones eyes, the respect he has for you, the admiration he has for you, just felt so dam good. Than when we started to get close he changed the relationship. It started to hurt how he would objectify me. I was no longer able to see that wonderfulness in his eyes.
I hurt for weeks upon weeks, a hallowed feeling inside, like someone just scooped out an ice cream scoop of my soul. I cried all the time, I felt a loss that I really did not know how to deal with or fix. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of evil in this world and was able to come back from it in tact, but this particular feeling I just did not know how to deal with. I am not at all saying he was evil, heavens no. Such a wonderful man he truly is. Just he is an addict and he is far enough in that he displays the traits that hurt me. I love him so much, even still. He was after all my close friend, I thought.
In doing an online search of how to heal after a breakup, even though we were not physical it is still a relationship. I couldn’t find anything that was relevant to how I was feeling. Than I decided to search, how to heal from a relationship with an addict and BINGO! I found articles on exactly how I was feeling, exactly what had happened in our relationship. It was a slap in the face, a double-edged sword. I learned that I possibly was that hurtful when I was doing drugs.
Apparently I am a co-addict or co-dependant. Meaning that because of my passiveness to that type of person I will put their needs above mine. But I have a strong personality so how could this be true? I am dominant in life and over come many evils and obstacles. Inside I am still that abused hurt little girl who always has no one hearing my voice, never have I truly let that go, I guess.
“A co-addict must get down to the root of their problems and stop deflecting them with the addict’s problems.” (http://addictionblog.org/family/loving-a-drug-addict-can-a-drug-addict-truly-love/)
I encourage anyone who is in a relationship with an addict to please go get some help to find your root causes of why you do this to yourself. Make the changed in your life to be happier, even if that means letting go of the man/woman you love now. Your voice is important, you are valuable and you do come first.
I have found a group called Nar-Anon. It is like alcoholic/drug addicts anonymous groups. Still a 12 Step program, but I am willing to try to make my relationship healthy and to make myself stronger. Please check this group out in your local area, it is worldwide. I wish you luck, love and happiness.