Cluttered

Climb over mounds of garbage, socks, shirts and jeans.

How high this mountain doth grow.

I thought I had a cat, where was it last seen?

This used and squished milk carton I must not throw.

Maybe I will need it someday?

I’ll put in on the piles, like waves in the sea.

Where is that cat today?

Ah yes, I found the TV,  what show will it be?

TV’s broken, I had better keep that, I may need it later.

I must get dinner ready

Where is the refrigerator?

No matter, take out is easier and always ready.

The boxes will add to my sea of precious valuable stuff.

No one visits me anymore, Oh well, they just don’t dare

This world is gone crazy and rough.

But I’m safe in here with the things that matter, I still care.

 

 

 

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Online Dating

 

This year I opened myself up to all experiences. I am officially open to people, and receptive of the needs that I regularly deny myself. Finding people is hard. I don’t think it’s because I’m unattractive or a crazy lady.  I try the in person routes, but to no success.  It’s like they are too self involved in their day to realize they just got hit on. Or maybe I am a bit too forward. Hmm, would it be too forward you think if a woman walked up to you and said:

“Hey, your cute. Wanna date?”

Haha, of course that is NOT what I do, but that is what is said on the internet, (in a much more vanilla wording.)

Since regular routes are not working for friends or for finding a date I’ll give the online date world a try.  Well here is what has happened thus far.

I look around for some dating sites, I choose one and fill out my profile, feels like an hour has passed just talking about myself. Since I am not narcissistic this is an uncomfortable task.  I understand that I must let someone know a bit about me, but what do you say?

I am a crazy person by day and serial killer by night. Want to know more? Send me a message!

Or I could say something like;

I am a quiet and career focused  lady by day but I am called mistress DeWinter by night. Crack that whip!

No, this will not do at all. Fun to say, only not truthful. I fill it out as honestly as I can, then take a pic of myself and post all this information for the masses in the abyss to judge me. Dating feels like it has become an auction. (Do I hear One bid, one, one how about two! Sold!)

If you have been judged worthy you get a “hey” or a “meet me” pic.  How disappointing. “Hey” is the new pick up line.  A single word. Not even enough intellectual thought for a “how are you today?” Or worse yet the ever so popular;

“Hey, you are beautiful (or cute) wanna be my FWB?”

For those who don’t know what FWB is, its Friends with benefits. I am sure everyone knows this, but just in case I thought I would go ahead and say it.

What happened to the creative pick up lines that sound cheesy or even make you laugh. You know those lines are all crap, but it’s fun to have some man make the effort to try.

Man:”Was you father a thief?”

Woman: “no.”

Man: “Then who stole that stars from the skies and put them in your eyes?”

Ha ha, those horrible cheesy lines. What happened? That was fun, made me smile and broke the ice for conversation to open up.

Ah, those were the days. haha. As far as the “meet me” app I get 50 or more “meet me” daily. Do you honestly think that someone is looking at all of them? This is not what I am wanting at all. This feels so superficial and cheap. I don’t need my ego stroked, and I don’t want men to judge me on my looks. Sure physical attraction is a plus, however, there is so much more to a relationship than looks.

Anyhow, with a “hey” the game begins. (This is the most mind numbing form of dating I have ever experienced.)  I of course am trying to play the game, ya know, don’t hate the player type thing so get on board. I click through the many images of men who want to “chat with me”. Then I return with the same lack of courting skills (since it appears to be the norm) and “hey back”.

Trying to find the rose among weeds is a daunting task. I would guess that out of 10 chats, 6 are wanting sex tonight so give them your cell number and lets get busy!  And just for good measure they send you a picture of their penis, fully erect and ready for your to hop on! Then there is about 3 who want to talk about sex and hope that you are eventually going to give in. Then there is one. You think may be a possible meet. Grate!  Your conversations were open and creative and you are actually looking forward to meeting this man. Now you arrange a meet. Prepare yourself, after meeting and the awkwardness of the initial hello is over guess what he wants to talk about or do? Just take a wild, crazy guess? If you guessed sex you are correct! Out of 10 messages you narrowed things down to, put in your time and effort for at least a couple weeks and you end up with… zero prospects. So anti-climatic!

Do you think this makes me bitter? No, not at all. Only frustrated. I absolutely love men. I love how they smell, how they look, how they laugh and how they love, talk and treat a woman. Men are one of the best creatures on this planet. Only if they are raised right of course. You know, don’t teach your sons that woman are just dip stick holders.

Where are the men among men who take the time to write a proper hello, take the proper time to read through the profile. Who knows, maybe he will realize she is crazy and you don’t want her, or maybe he may feel like she is someone who you want to work your ass off to win over.

Online dating…I am not sure how this is going to work out but I am still trying to find even a friend. I’m a good person online so, reason says that maybe there is another good person online.

Wish me luck!

Co-Dependant or Co-Addict

I am revealing something that is very hard to put out to the abyss, but I hope it helps someone out there. I recently made a discovery about myself while trying to heal from a broken, very close friendship. You do not need to be romantically involved to feel a huge loss. I dated addicts before and never had an issue, however, I forgot a very important part of that past experiences. I was also an addict, and could not truly love either, so when a relationship went bad I thought nothing of it. I just thought we were not comparable or I thought he was a jerk and moved on somewhat easily.  So, I thought it would be fine to be friends with this man now. Only to discover that since I no longer abuse drugs and alcohol, I am feeling my feelings stronger now.

It felt so good you know? To see you are loved through someones eyes, the respect he has for you, the admiration he has for you, just felt so dam good. Than when we started to get close he changed the relationship. It started to hurt how he would objectify me. I was no longer able to see that wonderfulness in his eyes.

I hurt for weeks upon weeks, a hallowed feeling inside, like someone just scooped out an ice cream scoop of my soul. I cried all the time, I felt a loss that I really did not know how to deal with or fix. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of evil in this world and was able to come back from it in tact, but this particular feeling I just did not know how to deal with. I am not at all saying he was evil, heavens no. Such a wonderful man he truly is. Just he is an addict and he is far enough in that he displays the traits that hurt me. I love him so much, even still. He was after all my close friend, I thought.

In doing an online search of how to heal after a breakup, even though we were not physical it is still a relationship. I couldn’t find anything that was relevant to how I was feeling. Than I decided to search, how to heal from a relationship with an addict and BINGO! I found articles on exactly how I was feeling, exactly what had happened in our relationship. It was a slap in the face, a double-edged sword. I learned that I possibly was that hurtful when I was doing drugs.

Apparently I am a co-addict or co-dependant. Meaning that because of my passiveness to that type of person I will put their needs above mine. But I have a strong personality so how could this be true? I am dominant in life and over come many evils and obstacles. Inside I am still that abused hurt little girl who always has no one hearing my voice, never have I truly let that go, I guess.

“A co-addict must get down to the root of their problems and stop deflecting them with the addict’s problems.” (http://addictionblog.org/family/loving-a-drug-addict-can-a-drug-addict-truly-love/)

I encourage anyone who is in a relationship with an addict to please go get some help to find your root causes of why you do this to yourself. Make the changed in your life to be happier, even if that means letting go of the man/woman you love now. Your voice is important, you are valuable and you do come first.

I have found a group called Nar-Anon. It is like alcoholic/drug addicts anonymous groups. Still a 12 Step program, but I am willing to try to make my relationship healthy and to make myself stronger.  Please check this group out in your local area, it is worldwide. I wish you luck, love and happiness.

 

Finding Inner Strength

On Tuesday I had an interesting conversation with someone who I thought was a dear close friend. Sadly he is no longer in my close circle but, still a friend from afar. We were talking about how to inspire my daughter to find her strength and ambition to create her own life journey as she is a little stuck. Sadly, he said that the way to get her to want to be something more is to have sex. Because when you have sex it makes you feel so good about yourself that you want to do more, you want to be better, and have an independent life from parents.

This surprised me because he puts on a good confidence show, I had not realized until that moment how much he gets his “confidence” from external acceptance. He has no inner rock, no inner stability that validates himself by himself. (This is not the reason he is no longer in my close circle of course, there are many other factors that I needed to look at to keep myself balanced and in peace.) I also want to say that letting people go from my life is never an easy decision, I value each person so deeply, so strongly that it hurts me to say goodbye. Honestly, I cry for loss.

So, today I want to write about an issue that I feel may help some people. I have always been told how strong and independent, and resilient I am. How I have a presence that makes people gravitate towards me. Well today I am going to share something I learned. I learned this skill as a child dealing with abuse, neglect and how I found a way to pull through and rise above. I had help along the way, I put faith in strangers and learned from conversing with people. Learn from other’s mistakes so you don’t have to make it.

Of course this is not the end all be all, but I hope it can help when making the decision. Of course I can also become invisible when I want to but, that is another conversation for another time.

Over the years I have watched people in their relationships, career choices and interactions and noticed that so many people have a very noticeable lack of confidence. I too have gone through a crash in the confidence department, recently actually. But because I had already found my inner rock and I also linked my inner rock to something visual. I visualize it with the moon. For me, the moon is usually guaranteed to always be available, well most nights. The night is a time that I can focus without distraction to “talk things out with the moon”. Since I am a very visual person this helps me to lift myself up again and again.

The skill in finding inner confidence takes some time, practice and maybe even a little experimentation, so please be patient with yourself. Tweek this suggestion so it works for you, everyone is different and needs to visualize or feel or hear to discover new ideas and new ways to grow. So, just because it works for me in this way maybe you need to adjust this to suit you so it works for you. But do keep an open mind please, and if you want to grow confidence then you must keep practising. Remember that we all have times where even the most beautiful or the successful people are self-conscious and reek low self esteem. The difference is shaking off that negative and replacing it with inner strength quickly to not keep or drag you down or worse, drag down others.

Confidence is not about body size or shape, it is not about money or fame. It is not about being validated by the affections from someone else. It is all in our own mind. Know yourself first! Know what you want out of life, relationships and who you are. For example: If you are with a man pushing to have sex with you and you don’t want it, you have the power to say no. If he tries to make you feel guilty about it, then he is definitely not for you. If he says he will leave you, then say goodbye. Your feelings are important, they are legit and you must value yourself so much that your values are never compromised. Your strength comes from you knowing what you want and don’t want. You see?

Here is the start, think about a time you felt confident. Got it? Now think of the feeling you had, how did you feel? Did you make a decision in that time? How did that feel? This feeling you had localize where in your body you felt the most powerful confidence. Did you feel it in your chest? Maybe your stomach? Perhaps your head?

This is the energy you want to focus on now, feel that confidence build, think of being positive, easily laughing, the feeling of courage even. Are you feeling great about yourself? This place that you are generating your confidence from is where you will reach to when you feel the worst and when you need a little boost. Your mind will actively be trying to be positive and fun when you recreate this. This combination is where you find the greatest strength to look at any situation and see it for what it is.

I find that I can feel stronger feelings, and passion from this combination. I feel love so much more intensely, I feel the desire laugh much more easily and I crave it. People love to be around people who really laugh at their jokes, who are not stiff and ridged and a rule freak. So, relax, and generate that confidence energy and use your mind to enhance that energy to a stronger, more self aware you.

I hope this helps you to feel sexy, to feel strong and to have the ability to make better choices because you know you deserve the best out of life.

 

 

 

 

Goodbye Dear Friend

I recently had to say goodbye to a man who I put into my close friend circle. I could see in him some qualities that I found admirable. Of course I did, I don’t hang out with crap personalities. I enjoyed to spend time with him as I could share in the positive loving energy, and then our relationship changed.

It started to get to where I felt like I was walking on egg shells. I no longer knew myself and started to feel like I was supposed to changed. This was of course on my part as he never asked this of me, however, I felt that I did not know what he wanted from me. I felt that what I felt was not being valued.

I would hear his words and believed them as I put a great deal of trust on honesty, however his actions did not follow his words, so there was no balance there. Of course there was more but the point is, I started to feel uneasy around him. I started to drink again just to numb the confusion. I started to consider compromising my values to make him happy.

This is of course not a healthy relationship, in any type of relationship. So when is it time to let the person you care about, (be it friend, lover, mate, or whomever) go? Well definitely before it got to where I let it get. This is my own weakness. I always think that this is just a rough patch. I also keep thinking that maybe I am the one who is causing issues where there is none. This is just a left over self doubt I have and am working on one step at a time. I love myself though, I know who I am and am very grateful for this. I stated to him who I am and basically if you want in my life this is it, respect this or your not in my close friendship life.  Of course as I see him around I will still be friends, only, from afar.

This is hard as I grew to valued him, in fact I value everyone, and am always open to closeness with my friend circle. However, I value myself above this. I also believe in the Hermetic Law and sometimes the time that we spend with someone is over. Its purpose has been served. So, when you feel like this, perhaps its time to move on, all I know, is saying goodbye is never easy, and even though he was just a friend, he was still a friend. I am sorry to find out he didn’t value me, but please if you are going through loss of a friend or more, please stay true to yourself. You are valuable, your opinions and needs matter too.

“I wish you love and happiness, I wish you success and peace…Goodbye dear friend.”

I hope this story helps you to feel strong when dealing with a relationship that is not a healthy one.

Today is my best day!

 

Today I saw a shirt that had the above words, I thought to myself what a great slogan. No matter what type of day you are having “Today is my best day” and make it that.

These past few years have turned into a slump, after losing my job and forced to drop out of a course I wanted to take due to financial need I have been just going from one job to another looking for some way to make ends meet. The feeling like your running in a huge mud puddle and sinking. I believe that we have influences all around us in large or small ways, the milk spilled so now you are late for work, does that mean you have to behave like a Bitch to everyone? No, not at all.

As you are just spreading your negative influence so, when I see something that is a positive influence I try to embrace it into my day and week. We all have an abundant amount of negative influences all around us every second every day. How we handle them is what sets us apart from others, are we better than those negative influences? I’m trying to be.

Today is my best day, if I take a step back and ponder this, how profound it can be of a statement. I have had so few “best days” that I think I need to re-think how I look at myself. My daughter is invited to a wedding and we have nothing to give or even a dress for her to wear. I have not been able to buy cloths in well over three years and am down to two pants and 4 shirts and one bra. I now have every sock with holes that have been re-sewn so many times that the sock is see through with only strands of thread holding together. I have sewed my cloths so many times that the patches and torn material is so thin no patch or thread is going to save it. My jeans are practically see through and now a single mom looking for work again.

So when the “today is my best day” filled my head I have to admit first glance I thought “ya right!” but then I stopped stressing out and decided yes, today is my best day.

I have a roof over my families head, I have a small amount to food to stave of hunger, small amount and not very healthy but it will keep us alive. We do have cloths, even though they are the holiest things I have ever owned. We have each other.

I think I must stop focusing on the horizon, and start learning to enjoy the walk.  Just like this quote:

If you’re going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill

So when I am down I just need to think of it as I am just passing through, not stopping, not dwelling on anything, I’m just passing through. So, today is my best day and so will tomorrow and the tomorrows after?

I want to pass on the inspiration, I do not know who made the shirt, if it is a famous quote or what it is, but I want to pass on the inspiration to you. Make today and every day your best day by looking at what you have and not what don’t.

Make today your best day.

Rule Your Hell

Very recently I have experienced a struggle, with reality I guess you could put it. I am in Alice’s Wonderland of all lands to enter. I mean really, why couldn’t I enter the land of enchantment, to be a queen in a castle? What’s up is really down, and the truth be told, the left side of that mushroom will not make you taller. Just like the right will not make you smaller. While I go through hard times I always try to learn from others, I read anything and everything as fast as I can read it. Just so I can find an inspiration, and tool or a strand of hope to get me through this with some sort of grace. I love and respect all writers, it is a fantastic way to weave in and out of realities, lessons and of course finding treasures in mystical worlds, my favourite. Words in print, just the best.

While having a random anxiety attack, I opened a random book. Seriously just random, picked up what was beside where I was sitting. While taking those deep slow breaths I opened a page deep within the bindings. This is what I read;

“To reign is worth ambition though in Hell: Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven” (Pg. 44 in Confessions of an Advertising Man by David Ogilvy)

This was like a fist to the face. What the hell is this person saying? It was shocking, thought provoking, and made me think I was about to be stricken by God at any point. This was blasphemous! Should I duck? Run for cover? I mean I honestly, felt like I was in serious harms way. Not what someone in the middle of an anxiety attach needs! But this is what writing is all about for me. To shock you, to make you think, to encourage or shake up your reality, only then are you open to a new way of thinking.

I put it down and took a few more deep slow breaths. I’m calming down from the attack now by reminding myself “I am all right”. As you may know, our body does not know the difference between stress of excitement, stress of fear, or stress of shock. To our bodies, stress is stress, and it releases all sorts of chemical reactions to help you fight or flight. So, self talk, (don’t laugh) is a huge help to let your body  know you are all right. After calming down I had to open that book again. I searched for the page and re-read that line. I took it to be speaking to me right now. Ya, I’m special in the way, but anything that can help make sense of or contribute to a better situation; I’ll take it.

It is better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. What? To me, I think of it meaning when going through Hell you had better rule it while you pass through. Make it worth your while right, why be a slave in Hell? Learn all you need to make it work for you.

That’s my interpretation at this point in life of the first part. However, the better than serving in Heaven part I am not sure.Heaven is supposed to be a place we all want to go, but no I don’t want to be a servant for eternity, be it heaven or hell.

I often think of things that help me get through hard times. such things like:

The light at the end of the tunnel is not at train.

This too shall pass.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Tomorrow is always better than today.

When travelling through hell don’t stop, you are just passing through.

These little self-help pep talks are great when you need them as a quick pick up, but to consider to actually rule your Hell. This is a total shift. Take charge! for a lack of better words “man up.” What a great perspective.

So, next question is… How?

Go to school and get that education that will make you a leader. Focus on your current work to show you are stronger, better, and more passionate. Show you want that raise, be assertive! Go for the next level within the company or a competing company. Don’t hang around for a boyfriend / girlfriend to get their shit together, move it on up, don’t let them drag you down. Don’t let them hold you back either, do not let them follow you like a weight around your ankles. Let the pain of the past be exactly that, all in the past. Don’t carry it with you in your future. If you let the past follow you around then it wins, you must win over anything that happened yesterday. It hurt, yup, now let it go.

Basically find the courage to take a leap of faith, to make a move up, or move forward. You can do it. How do I know this? Because history is filled with stories of people who had nothing that made the world change. Not just the local town shaken up, no, these people who had nothing, changed the WORLD! How? Courage! Be courageous, be assertive, get educated and rule your Hell.

😉

 

Oh Gravity

As I get older I see gravity is becoming a bit of a bitch. I suppose I should look into a support group. I wonder if there is a nipple dragging group out there?  I don’t want to be a “tripper” when I am in a nursing home, geesh, I could break a hip. A bit dramatic? maybe so. However this is a serious problem among women! 🙂

We all want to look good right? We all want to feel attractive, wanted and desired right? Hell ya. I love being loved, touched, kissed, licked, who doesn’t? But as I get older and hips have widened I see the downside of age. Such cruel reality.

Why bother, no one is looking under my shirt anymore. Why can’t I just let it all hang out? Swinging to and fro, who cares? A strong gust of wind and I have my own flags cheering me on! Other than the people they may slap in the face, oh no, more like slap in the knees! My apologies.

I am exaggerating of course. But some days it feels like the sex appeal is all gone. The body changes through life I get it. So, how do you feel sexy as you age? How do you make yourself feel like you have a” little dirty secret” that puts a little bounce back in your step? You know, when you used to wear lingerie under your cloths or freshly shaved/waxed vagina, or whatever you did you make you feel good. What can you do now? Exercise!

Yup, I saw an older lady from the back at first, it was a body of a 20 or even 30 year old. Then she turned around, and my mouth dropped! She was not at all a young woman. I had to ask her what she did? Is this plastic surgery? Nope. She does yoga 3 days a week and pole dancing 3 days a week. POLE DANCING! I asked her how old she was. She was 67 years old. I was so impressed. She told me she had only been doing dancing for about a year and she saw changes in her body that she had never had before. She has done yoga for 5 years. So she started at 62 years old to loose 30Lbs but she gained a body she never even dreamed of. How wonderful! She said her breasts have even firmed up. Come on, this is the key ladies. Find a strengthening workout that you love and work it, work it work it!

One of my new year goals is to lift these babies up, up, up. Rise my sweets! Look to the ski! I am doing push-ups, and chest pumping and anything I can to re-develop that muscle area. (And I am signed up for the next pole dance class) I wonder if there is Botox for breast? Hmmm? nah, I don’t like getting a needle in my arm, sure don’t want needles stuck into my tender ladies.

oh no, my mind just wondered to a tire pump, wouldn’t that be nice hey, just pump them up when they get a little flat. hahaha.

Well I’m just saying, gravity, she’s is a bitch. But so am I, I will not let you win!

Happy exercising. 🙂

You Swerved

When we met, you loved my eyes, and wanted to kiss my lips, I let you kiss me and look into my soul.

You liked my body, I danced for you.

You couldn’t get my words out of your mind, I talked and laughed with you.

You wanted to touch me, I let you.

You wanted to know me, I said yes.

But then you swerved. Our love was about shine brighter than the sun. But you swerved.

You said you were sorry and can’t go on without me. I stayed.

You said you love my smell. I pulled you closer.

You said you admire my strength, I let you lean on me.

You said you wanted me, I said yes.

But then you swerved. Our love was about to shine brighter than the sun. But you swerved.

I felt the wind as you passed me by,  and now you are too far behind.

I will not go back, I will not wait, I will not swerve from my path.

You want me now? I’m too far ahead to look back.

You swerved.

 

Puppet Master.

Dance for the master, pretty little marionette, dance,

Puppet Master pulls the heart-strings of a pretty little marionette,

Pull me this way and that, to watch my pretty little dance,

Don’t I make a pretty little dancer, puppet master?

Am I pleasing to your eyes?

Dance pretty little marionette, dance.

I curtsy while you flirt,

I blush with your kisses,

I smile as you lick my neck.

I believe all your words of love.

I let you melt my heart with just your gentle smile,

All while your masterful hands control me, tug me this way and that.

Dance pretty little marionette, dance.

Kiss my beautiful lips, let my smell fill your lust, puppet master play with me.

I do as you command, I am after all, a pretty little dancer on your strings.

Don’t let my tears of a broken heart stop you, don’t leave me.

Play with me puppet master, play.

I can’t stop you from tugging me all over the floor,

I try to smile, and let you do it some more.

Dance pretty little marionette, dance.

Where did you go puppet master?

I sit here with a smile, waiting on the shelf for your return.

Play your games with me puppet master, play.

Did you find other strings to pull?

I miss you puppet master.

I long to feel your touch again, your sweet kisses as I sit here, alone.

I promise to not cry,

I will let you pull my heart-strings and drag me all over the floor.

I will dance my pretty little dance for you as long as you please.

Puppet master, will you play with me some more?

 

by: Tina Curtis