Stay Positive. Venting

I know I must stand tall, I know I must always show strength, never show fear. Be brave and speak true. Speak only when spoken to, not judge, think positive, keep an open mind and always be kind. This past few years I have done my best. But yesterday broke me.

WARNING:
Today I am venting, there is no angle, just letting it loose and saying it. There may be language that is offensive, or something. But if you are not interested in reading my vent, you might as well stop here. For those who read on, please realize that I am hurting right now. I am EXTREMELY hurt, alone, scared and angry. If you like to comment please do, I can use some encouragement. But if you want to add to my misery, don’t comment, I am literally at the end of my point of … well, I’m at my end.

I have lived through rape, beatings, molestation, survived abusive relationships, raised a child alone, and never did I feel like I had any support. My father was my only support, now he has been dead for many years. I did it all alone. Really, I’m not kidding. My family did not help, more so they criticized, ignored, and abused me. So when I got old enough I gave them a choice. Here it was.

1) I want a positive relationship. Start to be positive, supportive, and stop abusing me, stop criticizing me and stop being assholes.
Now I am not completely stupid, I know family goes through hard times, but what I want is for them to stop being selfish, to stop putting me down, to stop everything negative. I know family will have arguments, my family… I am a chew toy for them.

2) Be an active roll. No more neglect, no more “pretending” to be the perfect family in public and behind closed doors its a nightmare. No more neglecting me and only saying hi at weddings or funerals. I want an active role. Every month take 10 minutes out of the 720 hours in a month and write me a hello note with something positive, something they want to share with me so we can know each other better. To respond to my stuff, to be a real family. Seriously, 10 minutes to send an email, or a phone call or something and be positive. Try to be a friend.

If they can not do those two things, I want them to know they are off the hook. They don’t need to be in my life at all. Be kind, or go away.

Pretty harsh some may think, but by putting yourself in my shoes, all that abuse I listed, and more not listed, most was from family! Right now I am all but homeless. And still family doesn’t help. I have 6 siblings, and not one of them have offered to help. NOT ONE.

I was adopted, and that seems to have made a problem with some of them. I am not their sibling they feel. Yup, said it they did. So, how is that supposed to make a person feel. They grew up in a family and even though it was a not so good relationship, you find out you are not wanted? Not welcomed? Not a part of something you thought you were? I have read a lot of other adopted posts and notice a pattern. They too get siblings claiming they are not. These siblings are grown adults acting like selfish children. Bad enough to be born and not wanted, but raised in a place you are not wanted, and they let you know it.

Here is a good one, when I did something as a child that may have been bad or maybe it was not bad but needed some addressing, sometimes I would not get beat. Sometimes my dad would talk with me and explain what I did and work through with me. Sometimes. My siblings did not like this. they said, that they got hit, and so will I, so they would beat me. Like wow! My father was trying to change his ways, to learn, to be a better person, and my siblings wanted, desired and craved for me to suffer what they thought I should suffer. Just because they wanted it.

So, back to what I was saying, yesterday about broke me. This past 7 years my daughter and I have had an extremely hard time. Now we have been sleeping in our car. I managed to find a room for us to sleep in, but that is about to be gone. Last month I asked the landlord to verify the rent amount, she flipped out. You see she is renting this place without a contract, so there is nothing written down. So she said that she can’t have a renter who is going to question her. And she texted me to leave in 30 days.

Now in Alberta this is not legal of her to do. So I served my refusal letter and there was nothing more said about it. Yesterday she served me a letter to leave in 60 days because her sister is moving into my room. When I talked to her, I told her that that is not legal again. You must give 90 days notice and the family moving in you must evict the entire home. Plus she already has one bedroom dedicated to her sisters. Plus, there are three bedrooms that are empty, not rented. I told her I would talk to the landlord and tenant act and get back to her.

Then she arranged to have the other tenants in the house to start treating me badly. If they don’t they are gone. So yesterday I had 4 people and the landlords attack me, insult me, mock me, and on top of that speak with racist criticisms. They are all Filipino except one and one highly manipulative Russian who just paced in the other room happily. One of the tenants refused to join in, she sat in the other room and refused to be a part of it. She later told me that they are wrong and she wants to support me. But with 6 people attacking me and my daughter, it was just too much.

I lost my family that I tried to get to be a family, no church, lost my father who was my only support, lost our home, our cat died, lost my job. My church actually told me that they would let me sleep in their parking lot, that was their support. And now in the winter, I am dealing with this. My daughter is numb now, she feels nothing she said. My daughter closed out the world because of all the hurt. I injured my spine and am in constant pain and because I can stand, the disability funds are refused, so we have no money, just what is last left from being laid off. There is nothing in me left to fight.

Holy fuck! What am I supposed to do? I have looked every single day for work, I try to just let it all run off my shoulders but right now, a fucking pistol is looking fucking better than standing out in that freezing snow. I can’t sleep, I have electric pain piercing my body all the time, I can’t eat, I try to eat something and there is no taste. So why bother eating it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRTRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG FFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK.

What am I supposed to do? I just wanted to get it off my chest. Just, yell it out that I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m tired, really tired. It takes all I have to get out of bed, sometimes I if I managed to get a couple winks, it feels like it is all dream, none of this is really happening. I mean if you went into more detail you could make a movie on it, because it all doesn’t seem like it would really happen, but oh no, it IS happening to us.

 

 

PLEASE HELP OUT, PLEASE.

Please click link to view story and an opportunity to help.  Please Help Us Out

In case that link doesn’t work please try this one. https://www.gofundme.com/Homelesstoabetterlifechance

A few years ago I was injured at work. Unable to get financial help while I dealt with my spinal injury I flew through whatever saving we had. I fell into a horrible depression because I was in a wheelchair and my daughter had to wash me, help me put on my clothes and care for me.

During this time,the church members did no visiting,  the friends and family I had did nothing to help. No one brought over a dinner, no one came to visit and let us know they are a support. Accept for one brother. He popped by to say hi, and my sister in-law drove me twice. So that I am grateful for. Even though it was not much, I am glad that they did.  What we needed was a support network to jump in and help out.

I was able to walk again with the help of my amazing daughter and an occupational therapist. Wonderful to have these two by my side.

I was able to find work but is was seasonal, and I was laid off three years in a row.  The last one is what did us in. We gave away everything we owned, even gave away the piano I inherited from my father who passed a few years prior. It has been really hard. I am trying like mad to find work, but because of my injury no one wants to hire me.

I have not much money left, and we are about to be tossed back into the car. The place we live in right now is not great, it is a single small bedroom we share.

Please view the link, see the pictures, and please pass this call for help on to others. If enough people can give a little bit, it will add up to enough to give us the help we need to lift us out of this situation. The economic down turn has now hit Canada, I know people all over are struggling. But please, go read my story on Go Fund Me. Please pass that link to others, businesses, and anyone you know that may be able to help.

Thank you for anything you can do. https://www.gofundme.com/Homelesstoabetterlifechance

Tina

 

 

 

 

 

Hell Month

I don’t have great news today, or even a great story of art class, or writing class that I absolutely enjoyed. Today is a sad story.

There is a single parent who has had a rough go at life the last 10 years. She has home schooled her child because her child was bullied ruthlessly at school. Actually, her own cousin played a role in this. This woman has tried so hard to find work that would sustain them. Bouncing from one job to another, trying to build friendships, only to realize that they were not friends to begin with. She worked at her jobs very hard and raised her child to be compassionate of others, regardless of the evils in the world. To be brave,and stand up for what is right and just.

This woman has been laid-off work four times out of 6 years and once again she is without work. This economy and this tiny city is killing her spirit and her courage. Her faith in people has all but vanished. Now with government cutbacks, she finds herself selling off everything she owns and moving into her car. She can’t seem to make enough money to maintain a home, basic bills, and food. The two are moving into their tiny Toyota size car the end of May.  Homeless, using whatever monies she can get to travel to another city, another province to find work and hopefully a place to live.

Yes as you can probably guess it, that woman is me.  I wanted to let you know I will not be writing for a while. I will have limited access to a computer. I am going to continue writing and drawing as those give me some fun things to do.  I also wanted you to think about those who are homeless. Not all of them are there by choice. Some are forced out onto the street because of government cutbacks, low employment insurance, and very low welfare monies are just not enough to support rent, let alone food and heat.  No added jobs being made in the country to help people get off the streets.

I am scared, I don’t know what will come next. I am educated, I am a hard worker, but now I face a challenge that is really scary. Please if you will, send a prayer out for us? Please send some positive vibes our way.

Thank you for your time here on this blog. It was fun.

May 2016

 

Thank you shower songs and Ms. Zimmerman

 

I love to sing and to hear my daughter play her flute or play the piano and now learning the guitar. It is so important in our lives I feel to explore music, even if you are tone-deaf. Music seems to instantly affect one self, it seems to create an opinion and strong feelings immediately. There is nothing else I have ever come across that can bring on such feelings so quickly other than paintings and even they do not seem to bring on such strength in emotion as quickly or as strong as music can.

I sing all the time and there is a running joke with my daughter and me she sometimes says while we are listening to the radio.

“I like the way the original singer sings this song.”

I reply “Actually this is the original singer.”

“No it’s not.”

“Ha-ha yes it is the original singer, who do you think it is that sang this song first?”

“It is a female voice, sometimes it is gentle and soft and sometimes it is strong and has that cool rasp”

“I only know of this singer, what year was that?” as I try to figure out who she is thinking of.

She continues to try to place who it is she is thinking about and explains other songs they may have sung. The list is so random of songs that I am completely lost as they seem to be all over the place of songs for one artist. A few seconds later we decide when we get home we will YouTube it and see what we can find. The music starts to make me want to join along and sing and as I sing my daughter start to laugh.

“Ha-ha I know who it is that I am thinking of, YOU! You really need to record music mom.”

I always reply “That’s just you looking through your mommy I love you eyes.”

They say that if you are musically inclined or talented you are also very good at math. Well that must be some magic marker that tells people if they are good or not because I play the piano and sing but math is the worst subject in all the subjects of the world. I just can’t seem to get it, I mean I get it but I can’t seem to do well at it, it takes me time to figure most math problems out. I had a woman come into a store once and I made a mistake with her order in returning her change. I was overpaying her $0.30. It was nice of her to let me know I made this error many people would have just walked off if they noticed a mistake in their favour. So I grabbed my calculator and figured it out, she became rather upset with me that I needed to verify with a calculator.

“Math is not hard, it is easy!” she angrily said.

“Too you perhaps and that is great, I am glad you can do mental math quickly and easily but for me no matter how much I try it never seems to stick for me. I am sorry but I am trying to help you the best that I can.”

We figured it out and she of course continued to try to make me feel like an idiot before she left. So that proves I just have a hard time with math. With music however when I would play all the time I could not only read but also play by ear. I could hear something once and then in a few moments be playing it on the piano, it was easy and fun for me. I have not played piano for many years now I never seem to have the time. I sat down the other day to play and it was gone, all that ability was gone. If you don’t use it you lose it is true, I practiced like I was back in the beginning lessons with Old McDonald farmer song for heaven sake. As I played it slowly came back bit by bit but it would have taken sometime longer to get to where I used was. So since I can’t lug around a large heavy piano I use the built-in instrument, my voice.

I don’t’ think there is ever a day that goes by without music and singing in my life. If there is a day that must be the days I am really low and depressed, even then I sing sad songs. My daughter is exploring jazz music right now, that is fun to listen to her explore this whole different world of music and not too often do you hear artists these days that do a real good scat like those old-time songs.

There was some time back a year that we had nothing, absolutely nothing and barely a roof over our heads, time was very hard and we had no music also. It was a dark hole and one thing that helped us get out of this pit of darkness, you guessed it, music. When the world around is dark, life is hard, painful and miserable, just hold up your head and sing. Sing anything, and before long you will feel again. If you can’t carry a note who cares, it is what is in you and it makes you feel so do it, SING!

As everyone knows I am sure the acoustics in most washrooms or shower rooms is fun to use when singing. I have a cat that is actually very opinionated about music, she will actually wag her tail and take a beat if she is liking your music and she will pure with enjoyment. If she hate the music she runs away and hides. But the one place she loves to be is sitting on the toilet lid while someone is in the shower. Maybe it is the heat given off from the warm water or maybe it is the acoustics of the washroom. But if you have a shower and she is not in there fast enough she will call to you the entire time you are in the shower telling you to let her in the washroom so she can sit on the toilet and listen to whomever is singing in the shower.

I started to think about where this love of music may have come from, was I born with it or family at church and home, my parents sang all the time also. I liked it but being made to study piano 3-5 hours or more a day I hated it. I developed carpel tunnel syndrome for so much piano playing and I hated the piano. I really wanted the guitar but was never allowed because my father loved the piano sound and he said one of his children will play the piano. I learned from that little experience to never force and instrument on a person so I let my daughter start her music off on the piano and she hated it after a year and she then chose the flute and her love of music grew. So where did my love of music come from? I remembered my teacher in a small town in Sparwood BC. She was the best music teacher I have ever had, and better than any teacher I have seen my daughter have. Her name was Ms. Zimmerman. She loved music so much that she poured that love and enjoyment into our classes. Our classes were hard but choir was such a growing class for me, growing as I learned team work in a sense of harmony, and courage to sing in front of others, and I learned to love the music at a time I was hating music because of the 3-5 hours of piano a day. I am so grateful for Ms. Zimmerman, thank you for bringing music into my life and sharing your passion with me. It felt personal the time she spent with each one of her students, one on one and anything else you needed she was there to guide us and show us how beautiful music is. As my daughter was growing up a remember using Ms. Zimmerman lessons to teach my daughter, the fun warm ups and the most amazing part is when my daughter was little she has a speech impediment. She could not say many things and we started to use Ms. Zimmerman’s warm up tunes and tongue twisting tunes, and those strange sliding tunes to help my daughter learn to use her tongue and air better and she learned to speak. It worked so well she was not needing speech lessons for long, so if you know someone whose speech is difficult or child with speech problems this is a great and very fun way to get a tongue to work better. Music has such a huge impact on our lives from creating emotion to better speech and better confidence. Thank you Ms. Zimmerman for improving my life and the life of my daughter through music, you mean the world to me.

Where ever you are, thank you.

T.C.

Give your food a bath?

In my squirrely soap blog I do a little short story writing and poetry, it is all about soaps and crafts and I sell some at the farmers market but I decided to expand my writing and tie all the blogs together. I start all the stories or poetry with “IMAGINE” you are welcome to go to the squirrely soap blog first story to find out why I start with imagine but right now I wanted to share with more people the stories and see how it goes. So this is how it goes …

Should your food take a bath?

Ha-ha I bet that caught your attention right, giving your food a bath? What? Yes there is a reason to give your food a bath. I wrote all about this in my “Food Of Wisdom” blog and please feel free to read it. I hope it is informative. I was thinking about the article I wrote and I started to laugh at myself as I do quite regularly. I think people around me thing I am a mad person, off my rocker! But picture this if you will, a small claw foot tub with bubbles and a whole bunch of fruit and vegetable taking a bath, how cute? Or strange? But a mental image just makes me chuckle. Is there a story in this? Hum Dee Dum, I ponder and …

Imagine:

Mr. Beet waddles down the dirt path of a mammoth sized field wearing his beautiful green hat. As he reaches the end of the field he spies as far as he can spy and all that he can spy is another field.  Pears to the right and it is a mammoth sized field of vegetable, pears to the left and another mammoth vegetable field. Off yonder it looks like endless low top trees. Just then that flying noise maker passes over, he has another leak. He really needs to look at that Mr. Beet thinks to himself, every time he flies over he’s spraying this nasty tasting liquid all over us. He passes back and forth all over the fields and trees and then is gone again.  Mr. Beet turns his focus back to his surroundings and decides to push forward, I wonder what is out there? He thinks to himself. So he waddles along the dirt path and stops when he sees Mrs. Potato.

“Excuse me” Mr. Beet shyly speaks “Who may you be miss and would you happen to know where I might be?”

Mrs. Potato whips around to face Mr. Beet. She eyes him up and down, she is tall and strong, she is so bold and intimidating that Mr. Beet takes a small step back.

In a strong powerful voice she bellows “Where the heck did you come from? Haven’t seen the like of you in this field and I have traveled this field for many weeks. What the heck are you? You aint one of those weeds are ya? Whatever you’re selling we don’t want it!”

“Well miss, um farmer Jones calls me Mr. Beet so I reckon you can call me Mr. Beet also.” As he stumbles nervously over his words he continues. “I-I-I am not selling anything and well um, uh, well…”

“Spit it out kid, aint got all day ya know.”

“Oh aww, y-yes of course, well I must be a bit of an explorer, ya that’s it, I am an explorer and I am exploring this here fields and those trees over yonder.”

“An explorer hey, don’t know much about that but this here field needs piling so you best be on your way. Nice meetin ya.”

Mr. Beet bid Mrs. Potato farewell and waddled on his way just then Mrs. Potato bellows out to him, “You be careful of those gophers! They’re mean buggers and will take a bite right outta ya!” Mr. Beet nodded politely and waved good bye. The sun was hot, like sun funneled through a magnifying glass piercing down on Mr. Beet. This field seems to go on forever he thought, then he heard in the distance a familiar sound, he stops and listens. Ah yes it is that flying noise machine again, just like always it sprays this bad tasting liquid up and down the rows but this time Mr. Beet drank up all he could, he was so hot he absorbed as much as possible, not really refreshing but will keep me going on my journey he thought to himself. He started to walk again and he almost bumped into the largest gopher he had ever seen, I mean he was huge!

“You work out? What’s your name?” Mr. Beet said trying to break the ice.

In that sexy deep, rather manly voice the gopher spoke. “Folks round here call me MR. Gopher!” “Whaaat yo doing waaay over heeere? This aint chor field, you don’t belooong here.” He drawled out. “Go back where ya came from little red! Go on now, run back home!”

As the gopher leaned in towards Mr. Beet he felt frightened, so frightened he almost pooped out a little beet.

“No.” quietly Mr. Beet said.

“Did yo say somethin? I thought I heard a peep comin outta yo mouth?” The gophers stepped closer to Mr. Beet, almost stepping right on him, gopher bumped beet with his chest. “Wha’s da matter? Carrot got your tongue? You so chatty, wa-ch ya gonna do?” Mr. Gopher glared right into Mr. Beets eyes.

Every part of Mr. Beet was shaking, his beautiful green hat look like a hoola dancer on a dashboard of a car. More gophers were walking out from the potato tops and he was surrounded. The lump in his throat would not go down it just sat there getting bigger and bigger making it hard to breath. The voice in his head kept yelling at him “shut up and run, shut up and run ya fool, run now! Right now, RUN!” But Mr. Beet was an explorer and he wanted to see the fields and the low top trees. He had to be brave, maybe even stupid if he was to succeed.

“I – I – I s-s-said n-n-no Mr. G-G-Gopher.” Stuttered Mr. Beet. “Oooooh now you gone and done it!” The voice inside Mr. Beets head exclaimed, “That’s it, were dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Ya fool you gone and killed us off, in our prime too!”

“Ha-ha!” all the gopher started to laugh, Mr. Gopher laughed so hard he was kicking on the ground, they sounded like a bunch of hyenas. Mr. Beet saw his chance, a space opened up between the gophers and he bolted. He waddled like he had never waddled before, it is not easy for a beet to run, tiny little legs and a tail is not helpful at all. Now that he bolted his beautiful green hat had a high stem that caught on ever leaf and now there was flowers on his green hat. “Oh what will become of me he thought?” These are strange greens, these are not potato tops, these are far more bushy and taller. Mr. Beet tucked in under a bunch and watched closely as he felt the thunder of the gophers running passed. Mr. Beet held his breath until he could no longer hear them.

“Ahh” Mr. Beet let out a sigh of relief.

“WHOO EEE! That was some staaaampeeeede. Ha-Ha son you see that?” he slapped Mr. Beet on the back.

“I mean you no harm, I come in peace.” Mr. Beet cautiously said.

“What, I come in peace, Ha-ha you sure do talk funny red. I spose you want help with that there flower on your top, alright come on then, kneel down I caint reach that far.”

Mr. Beet cautiously knelt down and a stem of flowers fell to the grown beside him. He felt lighter, younger, not so old and stiff like a piece of wood.

“Thank you sir, I thought I was a goner with those gophers after me, how can I ever thank you?”

“Ya just did, and don’t call me Sir my dad’s name was sir just call me Kale!”

Mr. Beet felt like he just made a friend, he was so excited to talk to someone. Since leaving home it was rather lonely and he missed his family very much. Mr. Beet told Kale all about his home and the fun things they did and all about strange grandpa Beet who had two tails growing outta him. Kale listened and walked with Mr. Beet for a long time, Mr. Beet talked and talked, he even cried a little. The strange flying noise maker sprayed and flew by and Mr. Beet did not even notice it was there he was just so happy to have made a friend that the world seemed like a smaller happier place. Just then they stopped walking and Kale sat down so Mr. Beet sat down and realized he had nothing more to say, he told Kale all about the journey, the gophers and Mrs. Potato and he could not think of anything else to say. It was silent for a few second.

“Boy you sure like to talk don’t ya?” Kale inquired.

“Oh I’m sorry, I guess I did get a little carried away. Tell me about yourself Kale and your family?” asked Mr. Beet

“Alright, look around ya, this is my family, and well we are dinosaur Kale.” Kale stated. “We aint much of the talking kind, but sure glad to have met ya.” Kale shook Mr. Beet’s hand “look here, we are at the end of my field and that there is the orange trees. They are just as chatty and cheerful as you are so you will be in good company. Take care of yourself now.” Kale turned and walked away disappearing into the other bunches and he was gone.

Mr. Beet had not realized it but Kale made sure he made it safely to the end of his field, they walked for days and it felt like only a little while. “Thank you Kale.” Mr. Beet whispered and he turned to the low top trees. It was beautiful, what a sight to see it takes your breath away and brings tears to your eyes to see such beautiful tall, strong trees and these bright orange balls dancing in the branches. Mr. Beet ran out as fast as he could to see them closer.

“Hello, hello, I’m Mr. Beet and I’m from the field far, far away.” He yelled up to the oranges in the trees. He spun around and around looking at them all waving and dancing he got dizzy and fell down.

“Ha-ha!” All the oranges laughed at him after he fell down. “Hello Mr. Beet welcome to Sunny Valley.”

Oranges were very nice and the days passed and Mr. Beet lost all track of how long he had been there. He could talk to so many oranges and he was happy, he never wanted to leave to go back home.

Just then a strange feeling came over him, the air seemed to get dark and heavy, Mr. Beet felt afraid.

“Oh no!” said some oranges. “RUN MR. BEET, RUN TO THE KALE THEY CAN HELP YOU!” The oranges yelled.

Mr. Beet was not going to wait to find out why, he ran as fast as he could but he was in the open, the trees are so far apart and there is no bunches of greens to hide behind. Mr. Beet was is beg trouble and he knew it when he saw Mr. Gopher swoop in front of him.

“Well, well look who we’ve got here boys.” Said Mr. Gopher.

“I don’t want any trouble Mr. Gopher, please – just leave me alone.”

“Not this time little red, you made me look like a fool in fronta ma boys. I don’t like looking like a fool.”

Mr. Gopher and the others walked closer and closer to Mr. Beet. He was surrounded and there was so many more of them. Mr. Beet could see they all had there claws out, this was it he thought, so afraid, so alone, and he started to cry – but he held his head up strong and brave.

“Mr. Gopher. You can shred me, slice and dice me, you can even blend me up but I did what I set out to do. I succeeded in – spite – of — you! You did not stop me, I out smarted you! I made friends and I saw the other end of the fields. I am an explorer! I had a good life and you are nothing but a fur ball, a bully in these fields.

Those were the last brave words Mr. Beet ever said. The green grass is stained with the memory of where Mr. Beet stood his ground. He may have lost this fight but he was not looser, he was brave, strong and he was what legends are made of.

So because as you can see in the story there is in many fields chemicals sprayed on crops of all kinds, fruits and vegetables so we need to wash off these pesticide residues or we are eating these chemicals. Even though those chemicals may make their way into the plant itself we really don’t want more if we can do anything about it right. So yes we need to give our fruit and vegetables a bath. How are we supposed to do this? With water! Water only takes off more residue than those vegetable cleaners in the store. If you want the very best than use salt. 1 part salt to 9 parts water and be sure to rinse off the salt water once you have finished soaking and scrubbing your fruits and vegetables. You can read more about this at Food Of Wisdom.

Have a great and sunny summer

T.C.