Rule Your Hell

Very recently I have experienced a struggle with reality I guess you could put it. I am in Alice’s Wonderland of all lands to enter. I mean really, why couldn’t I enter the land of enchantment, to be a queen in a castle? What is up is really down and the truth be told, the left side will not make you taller, just like the right will not make you smaller. While navigating this land I read anything and everything, I love to read. I never used to read, but as I have aged I noticed the joy of words in print. Just a fantastic way to weave in and out of realities, lessons and of course finding treasures in mystical worlds, my favourite. Words in print, just the best.

While having a panic attack when talking to my employer, I opened a random book. Seriously just random, picked up what was beside where I was sitting, While taking those deep slow breaths I opened a page deep within the bindings. This is what I read;

“To reign is worth ambition though in Hell: Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven” (Pg. 44 in Confessions of an Advertising Man by David Ogilvy)

That was all I read at that point, it hit me at first like I should be ashamed of this, it was shocking, thought provoking, and made me think I was about to be stricken by God at any point. This was blasphemous! Should I duck? Run for cover? I mean I honestly felt like I was in serious harms way.  But this is what writing is all about for me. To shock you, to make you think, to encourage or shake up your reality to open a new way of thinking.

I put it down and took a few more deep slow breaths. Reminding myself I am all right. As you may know, our body does not know the difference between stress of excitement, stress of fear, or stress of shock. To our bodies, stress is stress, and it releases all sorts of chemical reactions to help you fight or flight. So, self talk, don’t laugh; Self talk is a huge help to let your body  know you are all right. After calming down I had to open that book again. I searched for the page and re-read that line. I pondered it for a moment and realized that it is speaking to me right now. Ya, I am odd in the way that I look for “signs”, but anything that can help make sense or contribute to a better situation, I’ll take it. The timing couldn’t have been better, this just slipped right in at the right time.

What does this mean to you? It is better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. What? Is this person looking for a lightning bold in the butt? To me, I think of it meaning that when going through the land of Hell, you had better rule it while you pass through. Make it worth your while, learn all you need to make it work for you. Take your break when you want, change it up when you want, and make it your own. That’s my interpretation at this point in life of the first part. However, the better than serving in Heaven part I am not sure on. I picture Heaven as a place that we all rule our own kingdoms, we are not servants in heavens but our own gods. Simply, I believe those who succeed through life are rulers of their own kingdoms as a reward for the life lived here on earth. I suppose someone has to serve though, otherwise how is food served, or place cleaned or travel or what have your needs, you need a servant. In that perspective, no, I do not want to serve in Heaven. Perhaps those who do  not succeed so well in earthly life are a servant? Hmm, I am not sure on that idea. If earth is Hell, and the mysterious life after is Heaven, then here and now I am to rule my own Hell. Then in if I rule this life and if charitable enough and good I will rule again in Heaven.

I hope my train of thought process does not take you on a Mary-go-round but this is how my brain tinkers with things. After processing this I felt calm, like it was what I needed to know. I often think of things that help me get through hard times. such things like:

The light at the end of the tunnel is not at train.

This too shall pass.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Tomorrow is always better than today.

When travelling through hell don’t stop, you are just passing through.

These little self-help pep talks are great when you need them, but to consider to actually rule your Hell. This is a total shift, take charge of your Hell. What a great perspective. Whenever I go through a trying time, that is the time that I am more open to new ideas, I am actively searching for a “way out” or a better path. I actively search for “signs” that will lead me to more solid ground. Maybe it is time that I take on the Hell head on, step in the ring and fight for the right to rule my own Hell. I can picture it, can you?

The atmosphere is dark and smokey, just enough to see a short distance in front of you. The putrid smell fills the air so thick it chokes. The screams from tortured souls is the distant, and all around. You’re allowed one weapon of choice, however you wear no armour, you are naked. Why are you naked? Because this is the time you are raw, all in or nothing at all. Your stripped to the flesh to find your true strength, courage, your true grit and gut. Step into the ring to take the challenge to become ruler if you dare. Really its just a smoke circle. Across the ring stands the opponent. The beast is huge, muscles to spare  and stands an easy 10 foot tall. His breath of rotting flesh between his teeth can be smelled from across the ring, his body odour fills your eyes with water.  His ginormous horns dripping with blood are long and sharp, ready to impale you at first chance.  His bear like claws still red and his tail is tipped with long thorn like blades swing side to side as to tell you it calling your name. He is rarely defeated and he relishes the taste  of raw human flesh. The rules of the match, there are no rules.  Here I stand unchallenged, undefeated, and inexperienced.  No armour, fat, naked, having an anxiety attack and a small sword in hand.  What a match this will be. The beast is surely thinking he is getting a pulled pork sandwich tonight. All odds against me, no cheering section, no special powers, just me against the fierce beast. Piece of cake!

To Be Continued…

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Depression Takes The Win

We all hear a great deal of depression these days. What’s the big deal right? We all have stress, we all have a story, we all get sad or frustrated with our boss right? No big deal, just get over it!

Wrong! There is of course people who have never felt the pain and anxiety of depression. I am so glad that you never have had to deal with that pain. For those who do deal with it, I give you a large hug, and take a big deep breath with me.

Take deep breath now.

I have also a story of pain through out my life, and from time to time I talk to a walk in counsellor or, even done a few weeks of care with one. But there have been times when I needed someone better than just a counsellor. I’m not saying counsellors are crap, However, they are trained in only so much, they really don’t know and to be honest, there are some crap ass counsellors. Still going by the very old ideas and follow ridiculous stigmas. You must find a good counsellor. It may take some shopping around, but you must get one that listens, never cuts you off, and never criticizes you. To find a highly trained psychologist or whatever cost money. But if you can do it, it is well worth the help.

Yesterday, I snapped. Yup, lost it completely. Told my boss he was a fucking ass-hole, told him all sorts of stuff on what he can do with his abusive attitude towards me and the train he can take it on. Yup, lost it real good. I am still shaking today. I am beyond exhausted, and I am what you would call, done. Stick that fork in me, I am over done. This is not my normal behaviour, so for me to be so aggressive is a sign I am beyond the need for a therapist.

So this morning in I walk through the emergency mental health doors, I am told after I tell me story, that I need to talk to a family doctor and I need not a therapist, someone with more skill then the emergency mental health clinic.

WHAT? I just spent the last hour telling you what I have endured, you comment how you are surprised how I am still functional and then tell me you can’t help me because you are only a counsellor and not a therapist? What is the emergency clinic for then? Now I have to do research into who I can afford for mental health? The health system is so broken for anyone with any form of mental issue. A person goes to find help but gets turned away because the help they find is “under qualified”.

To anyone out there dealing with depression, anxiety, burn out, PTSD or anything that is burdening you, please do not give up. Keep looking, You see by me story the first step is frustrating, sometimes disappointing. Please keep talking to people until you get the help you need.

I am now looking for a low cost or sliding cost therapists in Calgary that is not a one time visit, since that is what I find a lot of. There is one that is walk in therapists, however they are not one DR per customer so you are dealing with multiple DR’s, this is not a great situation but it might be the only one for now. In a city a large as Calgary AB I would have thought they cared more about the mental health of people here, however they do not by the evidence given.

Good luck to you all, and happy mental health. I will post on some tips to help with depression once I get back on my feet again. I seem to have stumbled, until then, take care of yourself.

 

So this is Halloween

Happy Halloween everyone. I wanted to write a little fun thing for the night. Enjoy.

 

So, this is Halloween.

Ghost, goblins, witches, and ghouls.

This day takes us all for fools.

How scary could a three-foot princess be?

Or even that little vampire roaming the sidewalk,

Who is he kidding? He’s all talk.

Turn out the lights and get some z’s, if anyone were to ask me,

 

One knock on the door, two then three.

Why will you not just leave me be?

I’ll just keep hiding in my comfy bed.

Ten, eleven then twelve more,

Good thing I locked the door.

All this racket will wake the dead.

 

Creak, I hear a sound,

Is that coming from inside? I look all around.

My mind starts racing, my heart begins to pound.

That shadow in the corner starts to grow, its just the tree branch, right?

This night has given me quite a fright.

Creak, I really hate that sound.

 

I know it is all in my head, but creaks and shadows are spooky.

I shouldn’t have watched that movie.

I can’t stop watching that shadow.

I want to pull the blanket over my head,

Creak, oh, please don’t be the walking dead.

Now it looks like a hand, as the wind blows the branch to-and-fro

 

No, it looks like a claw.

I jumped when I heard the crow outside caw.

My hands have grasped the blanket up around my neck real tight,

Creak, tap-tap, caw, knock-knock, I can’t take much more.

I yell, stop knocking at my door.

This is the longest, scariest night.

 

Creak, I must be brave,

I can’t live the whole night in my blanket cave.

Slip on my fearless fluffy bunny slippers,

Slowly tip toe around the corner, heart pounding in my ears,

I am woman, I am strong, I can do this, there is nothing to fear.

I step into the living room holding my clippers.

 

Creak, there’s that sound again, I can’t take it,

I run back under my blanket.

Pulled the covers over my head.

Knocking, tapping, creaking continues on.

The night will never end, it’s like a freakathon.

I pray I won’t wake up dead.

 

Morning comes and all is well,

Despite the night from hell.

Perhaps I should rethink this ghoulish night.

Handing out candy to little princess’s going to a ball,

Sounds like fun after all.

I will not watch anymore movies that give me fright.