Depression Takes The Win

We all hear a great deal of depression these days. What’s the big deal right? We all have stress, we all have a story, we all get sad or frustrated with our boss right? No big deal, just get over it!

Wrong! There is of course people who have never felt the pain and anxiety of depression. I am so glad that you never have had to deal with that pain. For those who do deal with it, I give you a large hug, and take a big deep breath with me.

Take deep breath now.

I have also a story of pain through out my life, and from time to time I talk to a walk in counsellor or, even done a few weeks of care with one. But there have been times when I needed someone better than just a counsellor. I’m not saying counsellors are crap, However, they are trained in only so much, they really don’t know and to be honest, there are some crap ass counsellors. Still going by the very old ideas and follow ridiculous stigmas. You must find a good counsellor. It may take some shopping around, but you must get one that listens, never cuts you off, and never criticizes you. To find a highly trained psychologist or whatever cost money. But if you can do it, it is well worth the help.

Yesterday, I snapped. Yup, lost it completely. Told my boss he was a fucking ass-hole, told him all sorts of stuff on what he can do with his abusive attitude towards me and the train he can take it on. Yup, lost it real good. I am still shaking today. I am beyond exhausted, and I am what you would call, done. Stick that fork in me, I am over done. This is not my normal behaviour, so for me to be so aggressive is a sign I am beyond the need for a therapist.

So this morning in I walk through the emergency mental health doors, I am told after I tell me story, that I need to talk to a family doctor and I need not a therapist, someone with more skill then the emergency mental health clinic.

WHAT? I just spent the last hour telling you what I have endured, you comment how you are surprised how I am still functional and then tell me you can’t help me because you are only a counsellor and not a therapist? What is the emergency clinic for then? Now I have to do research into who I can afford for mental health? The health system is so broken for anyone with any form of mental issue. A person goes to find help but gets turned away because the help they find is “under qualified”.

To anyone out there dealing with depression, anxiety, burn out, PTSD or anything that is burdening you, please do not give up. Keep looking, You see by me story the first step is frustrating, sometimes disappointing. Please keep talking to people until you get the help you need.

I am now looking for a low cost or sliding cost therapists in Calgary that is not a one time visit, since that is what I find a lot of. There is one that is walk in therapists, however they are not one DR per customer so you are dealing with multiple DR’s, this is not a great situation but it might be the only one for now. In a city a large as Calgary AB I would have thought they cared more about the mental health of people here, however they do not by the evidence given.

Good luck to you all, and happy mental health. I will post on some tips to help with depression once I get back on my feet again. I seem to have stumbled, until then, take care of yourself.



Inspired By A Third Grade Drop Out

My father was a third grade drop out. He then went to work digging ditches for to help his family out. Imagine that for a second, you, 7 or 8 years old, digging ditches with a bunch of grown men, not going to school playing with friends.

There was a sense of family / humanity back then, also a rule in the country that you help out your neighbours, you do what is right, you always work hard, and are always kind. Look at the world today, this is no longer the rule, and only a hand full of parents teach the golden rules. Even the police motto changed from “serve and protect” to the new ridiculous, “vigilance, courage and pride”. I liked the earlier motto, it reminds them that they are police officers to help, not to bully.

For those who have read my blog to now may know the respect and love I have for my father, nothing new. He was a jerk at times, but aren’t we all? But there was this way with him, he always loved people. Never turned away anyone needing help, and always tried being the best man he could be. So when I saw this YouTube vid on the wisest man was a third grade drop out, it reminded me so much of my fathers words, and it reminded me to “Be a better me”. I am at rock bottom, but with no place to go but wallow here, or go up, I’ve been working on the later by working of goals to get me there.

I am an inspiration junkie. I love those YouTube vids that make you wanna jump up and be somebody. Only the inspiration dwindles until the next time you watch another one. The yo-yo effect will not make me a better me though, but this video made me feel like I was listening to my fathers words reminding me who I am, how strong I am, and to not give up. “This too shall pass”, he would quote to me all the time when things got tough. “As long as you keep pushing through, this too shall pass” he said.

We need more dads like this, this is a real man. This is a man I would love to know. To have the courage act with kindness, the respect to be early, to help others for the sake of helping, this is a great person to look up to. I am grateful this person speaks.

I effed up again!

Ever have one of those days, weeks, or months where you just can’t do anything right? Nothing you say is right, what you do was wrong, and even breath incorrectly. Sheesh!

That has been my life! OK, a little over dramatic I know,  but this passed 7 days has been one thing after another. I cooked the wrong food at work, then I burned the right food, then I forgot to make the other food. What is with my head? I can’t seem to get things flowing right.

At home I become a dropaholic, anything and everything I drop, break, crack and dent. I spilled our wash water all over the floor, I dropped the food on our now wash watered floor. I stubbed my toe on the crazy little corner that shouldn’t even be there. Then a part fell off the car, yup, driving along merrily and then it just fell right off. Random pieces of my car are trailing the highways. I hope it wasn’t needed because it is long gone.

While I drive I am taking the most attentive care to obey the speed limit. I have a lead foot so, I’ve been trying to be very good. There I am driving along doing the speed limit and everyone is honking at me, fingering, and shaking their heads at me. I keep telling them if they don’t like it, go around me. But no, they have to stay behind me and flick their high beams at me. Like that’s going to make me get a speeding ticket to make them happy. Yelling at me and fingering me is not going to make me speed for you either, so, GO AROUND! There is three lanes so, it’s not like you have any reason you can’t go around me.

Then the icing on the cake, I said the wrong thing to the person I love the most in the whole universe. My daughter. I popped her bubble on an idea she shared with me and I just reacted like a total jerk. I of course realized after I said it and, tried to back track but too late. The words fell out. I didn’t even know where those words came from, I don’t feel them at all. I want her to express herself, I want her to share with me, I want her to take her leaps of faiths and try new things. I was just a jerk so how do you fix this. Say I’m sorry right. I did, I did again and again but it still doesn’t feel right, and she doesn’t seem to be as excited about her thought anymore. Maybe if I stab myself to make her feel better? No, that won’t work, again, being overly dramatic. I just feel like crap for my behaviour and words.

This passed 7 days is over but this stretch of crap keeps going on. Like the never ending song, or never ending story, only worse. How is it worse than that? It’s happening to me, that’s how.

OK. Stop whining and figure this out. Shit happens, so how can I make a shit pie that tastes a lot better than it smells? I think I just have to laugh at myself, and then try to do better the next time, or day. Or take a really long nap, like Rip Van Winkle.

I am one of those people who mull over everything. I am a muller, I am a person who can not let things go until I make things better, or at least made my best efforts to make things right. I will try to see that it’s OK to make a booboo and learn to move forward. But what if you screw up repeatedly?

I suppose it’s all part of growing right?

Don’t ask your daughter what to do when you keep effing up, all she is going to say is: “I don’t know, it’s your problem.” Gee thanks hun for your great advice. heehee she was a fountain of help hey?

Well I will think on it more and maybe just take a long nap. I hear the Great Northern Catskills are a great place to sleep.

What do you do to stop the series of troubles or screw ups? Or stop mulling?