Rule Your Hell

Very recently I have experienced a struggle with reality I guess you could put it. I am in Alice’s Wonderland of all lands to enter. I mean really, why couldn’t I enter the land of enchantment, to be a queen in a castle? What is up is really down and the truth be told, the left side will not make you taller, just like the right will not make you smaller. While navigating this land I read anything and everything, I love to read. I never used to read, but as I have aged I noticed the joy of words in print. Just a fantastic way to weave in and out of realities, lessons and of course finding treasures in mystical worlds, my favourite. Words in print, just the best.

While having a panic attack when talking to my employer, I opened a random book. Seriously just random, picked up what was beside where I was sitting, While taking those deep slow breaths I opened a page deep within the bindings. This is what I read;

“To reign is worth ambition though in Hell: Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven” (Pg. 44 in Confessions of an Advertising Man by David Ogilvy)

That was all I read at that point, it hit me at first like I should be ashamed of this, it was shocking, thought provoking, and made me think I was about to be stricken by God at any point. This was blasphemous! Should I duck? Run for cover? I mean I honestly felt like I was in serious harms way.  But this is what writing is all about for me. To shock you, to make you think, to encourage or shake up your reality to open a new way of thinking.

I put it down and took a few more deep slow breaths. Reminding myself I am all right. As you may know, our body does not know the difference between stress of excitement, stress of fear, or stress of shock. To our bodies, stress is stress, and it releases all sorts of chemical reactions to help you fight or flight. So, self talk, don’t laugh; Self talk is a huge help to let your body  know you are all right. After calming down I had to open that book again. I searched for the page and re-read that line. I pondered it for a moment and realized that it is speaking to me right now. Ya, I am odd in the way that I look for “signs”, but anything that can help make sense or contribute to a better situation, I’ll take it. The timing couldn’t have been better, this just slipped right in at the right time.

What does this mean to you? It is better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. What? Is this person looking for a lightning bold in the butt? To me, I think of it meaning that when going through the land of Hell, you had better rule it while you pass through. Make it worth your while, learn all you need to make it work for you. Take your break when you want, change it up when you want, and make it your own. That’s my interpretation at this point in life of the first part. However, the better than serving in Heaven part I am not sure on. I picture Heaven as a place that we all rule our own kingdoms, we are not servants in heavens but our own gods. Simply, I believe those who succeed through life are rulers of their own kingdoms as a reward for the life lived here on earth. I suppose someone has to serve though, otherwise how is food served, or place cleaned or travel or what have your needs, you need a servant. In that perspective, no, I do not want to serve in Heaven. Perhaps those who do  not succeed so well in earthly life are a servant? Hmm, I am not sure on that idea. If earth is Hell, and the mysterious life after is Heaven, then here and now I am to rule my own Hell. Then in if I rule this life and if charitable enough and good I will rule again in Heaven.

I hope my train of thought process does not take you on a Mary-go-round but this is how my brain tinkers with things. After processing this I felt calm, like it was what I needed to know. I often think of things that help me get through hard times. such things like:

The light at the end of the tunnel is not at train.

This too shall pass.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Tomorrow is always better than today.

When travelling through hell don’t stop, you are just passing through.

These little self-help pep talks are great when you need them, but to consider to actually rule your Hell. This is a total shift, take charge of your Hell. What a great perspective. Whenever I go through a trying time, that is the time that I am more open to new ideas, I am actively searching for a “way out” or a better path. I actively search for “signs” that will lead me to more solid ground. Maybe it is time that I take on the Hell head on, step in the ring and fight for the right to rule my own Hell. I can picture it, can you?

The atmosphere is dark and smokey, just enough to see a short distance in front of you. The putrid smell fills the air so thick it chokes. The screams from tortured souls is the distant, and all around. You’re allowed one weapon of choice, however you wear no armour, you are naked. Why are you naked? Because this is the time you are raw, all in or nothing at all. Your stripped to the flesh to find your true strength, courage, your true grit and gut. Step into the ring to take the challenge to become ruler if you dare. Really its just a smoke circle. Across the ring stands the opponent. The beast is huge, muscles to spare  and stands an easy 10 foot tall. His breath of rotting flesh between his teeth can be smelled from across the ring, his body odour fills your eyes with water.  His ginormous horns dripping with blood are long and sharp, ready to impale you at first chance.  His bear like claws still red and his tail is tipped with long thorn like blades swing side to side as to tell you it calling your name. He is rarely defeated and he relishes the taste  of raw human flesh. The rules of the match, there are no rules.  Here I stand unchallenged, undefeated, and inexperienced.  No armour, fat, naked, having an anxiety attack and a small sword in hand.  What a match this will be. The beast is surely thinking he is getting a pulled pork sandwich tonight. All odds against me, no cheering section, no special powers, just me against the fierce beast. Piece of cake!

To Be Continued…

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Fear of Success

While I wallow in the trenches, this filthy rot smell, fills me with hate, self loathing. Watching endless hopes and dreams drifting down the fast moving sludgy river, never to be recaptured. Oh bitter tasting fear coats my tongue so all I can taste or smell is rot and sludge.

Look up, see the speck of light trying to peer through, sending hope, sparking dreams. Oh what a sweet life if would be to be success. Oh what a sweet life to be my own boss, to set my own wage, to build my own financial freedom. Freedom to travel, to meet interesting intelligent people. The water I think would be blue or maybe green and warm. Imagine what sweet taste that must me.

But what is stopping me? Oh ya, fear. What a vicious circle that has encapsulated me. How to break free? What do the rich know that I don’t? Does it really take a lot of money to  make money? While the wishful saps are stuck to the rotting tree, that speck of light mocks me. Torments me with the unknown. Round and round we go, deeper and deeper in this hole. How do I break free? How to climb the thorny walls to the light above.

Whey! what a dramatic picture of what I feel about success and fear. I feel like every time I get a bit closer, the chair is pulled away and I do not get a thrown in the castle of success. Why is it so scary to try? I mean really, I am afraid to fail, yet if I don’t try I fail.

Anyone else ever have to deal with fear of doing something? Start a business? Try something new? New move? Anything? How did you get over what you feared so that you could do what you know you want to do so?

 

 

 

 

Light Bulb Moment -maybe-

As you have read my last few posts show some struggles, ok, some crap I am pushing through. The first day after the abuse I took from the landlords and roommates, I spent the entire day in bed. I only got up to go the bathroom, that was it. I did not eat, not really slept, and the inside turned and I felt like that little girl waiting for her beating in the coal shed, and I had to get the strap myself. Nothing like delivering the weapon that is about to put you in serious pain. So sitting in my room still trying to find a way out of my once again impending homelessness and still scouring the internet for work I had a thought pop into my head.

“To thine own self be true”. Now I don’t want to get all religious on you, anyone who reads my writings knows my faith right now is as strong as a tight wire made of a single strand of human hair. My hair, so fine it would snap if a spider set upon it. There is NO WAY that will hold up to anything. But as I was sitting there day dreaming, as my mind wonders a lot. I thought “what the hell does that mean?” “why on earth did that pop into my head?” Then I realized my mind, subconscious or perhaps a higher power, who the hell knows, figured out what it means for me.

I have suffered crap since the day I was born, from my birth mother trying to kill me to abuse of any and all natures and then homelessness and now what happened a few days ago. There is one thing that made me get through it all. My father. Now that he is gone, my life seems to have taken even a stronger dive. What is the link. My father was able to change his ways and learn from his mistakes and became a really great man. One that I have not met since. But what I noticed about him is that he knew himself. He knew his weaknesses and he worked on them, but most of all he knew what he wanted to become. He knew the type of person he was, is, and always will be. He knew so well that I could lean on him and he helped carry me through stuff by just sitting in the seat beside me.

What do I know of myself? Who am I? What type of person am I? Am I a good mom, bad mom, or a fantastic mom? Am I charitable? A bully? Selfish? What am I really? If I am brutally honest with myself, no over thinking things, just stand outside myself and see myself for who and what I truly am and write it down. Don’t think about what I am writing down at this point, just think of any time I have been a bitch, bully, slut, and compare it to any time I have been charitable to others, been kind, helpful, caring, etc.

I realize that the world is not at all like it was when I was growing up. I remember people helping each other, strangers helping and friends were real true friends not superficial and what do they get out it. But I don’t want the modern selfish society to change what I know in my heart of hearts to be true, to be right, and to be admirable.

I realized that what if all those people in the world contemplating suicide, being abused, and depressed and struggling emotionally, mentally because they are from a different type of values that seems to no longer be in one with the non Christian world. Believe in religion or not, the fact that the world was ruled by the Christian values for many, many years. It has only been since Christianity is being attacked by non Christians and other beliefs that those core values of society have been altered, squashed and abandoned. Those still in the strong Christian moral value system are being under attack. So, even if you don’t believe in religion, do you still carry those core values? Are you kind at heart? Do you actually want to help others? Do you feel emotions so strongly you are empathic? Are you kind? Would you help a stranger just because they needed help? You don’t find humour in the modern idea of “reality TV” and the stupidity stunts and abuse of others? Do you care about the world and animals around you?

Why does this make any sense to me? If you know who you are, if you know without a doubt the person you are, and the person you are trying to become, that ultimate self that you are trying to be. So long as you are not trying to be someone else, but are trying to be who YOU are to be. Then it does not matter what the poo poo nay sayers are saying, who gives a shit what the judgy judgers are saying, and anything that is said about you, that is NOT WHO YOU KNOW YOURSELF TO BE, than you can disregard it. Toss it over the left shoulder into the abyss, and go on with your life. Doing what you know to be true, right, and worthy of you. Searching for like-minded people and leaving the rest in your dust. In the end, if, just if there is a judgement day, you can stand tall, head held high, and you will be successful over “those other people”. If there is not a judgment day and something else is among us after death, you can still stand tall and face whatever it is with those core values you know yourself to be. And you will make it through that too.

I believe we need to feel the pain, feel that hurt thrown on us. Think about it,and process it, but once we have felt it, processed the thought of it, we then can decide if it will continue, or be dismissed.

How do I learn about myself? Do I need to buy a fancy car or get a boob job or take a vacation to “discover” oneself? No. Nope, and No way. I feel we just need to sit down in a quiet place with a pen or pencil and paper or writing book. Then you start to ask yourself questions. Just like a writer asks their own characters who they are, to know them well, that is how you will know yourself well also.

I will post that in the next post how I am trying to work through this. Trying to reconnect with who I am and who I want to be? I don’t mean the house, cars etc, nothing of the world. I am talking deep in your soul, or perhaps you call it your chi, or maybe you call it your “self”. Either way, learn thy self is my new direction and focus.

Please share you thoughts on this, I would love to hear if anyone else has had an epiphany of how to overcome all of life’s challenges and is it working? have you needed to tweek it a little for situations? Does it keep you strong?