Depression Takes The Win

We all hear a great deal of depression these days. What’s the big deal right? We all have stress, we all have a story, we all get sad or frustrated with our boss right? No big deal, just get over it!

Wrong! There is of course people who have never felt the pain and anxiety of depression. I am so glad that you never have had to deal with that pain. For those who do deal with it, I give you a large hug, and take a big deep breath with me.

Take deep breath now.

I have also a story of pain through out my life, and from time to time I talk to a walk in counsellor or, even done a few weeks of care with one. But there have been times when I needed someone better than just a counsellor. I’m not saying counsellors are crap, However, they are trained in only so much, they really don’t know and to be honest, there are some crap ass counsellors. Still going by the very old ideas and follow ridiculous stigmas. You must find a good counsellor. It may take some shopping around, but you must get one that listens, never cuts you off, and never criticizes you. To find a highly trained psychologist or whatever cost money. But if you can do it, it is well worth the help.

Yesterday, I snapped. Yup, lost it completely. Told my boss he was a fucking ass-hole, told him all sorts of stuff on what he can do with his abusive attitude towards me and the train he can take it on. Yup, lost it real good. I am still shaking today. I am beyond exhausted, and I am what you would call, done. Stick that fork in me, I am over done. This is not my normal behaviour, so for me to be so aggressive is a sign I am beyond the need for a therapist.

So this morning in I walk through the emergency mental health doors, I am told after I tell me story, that I need to talk to a family doctor and I need not a therapist, someone with more skill then the emergency mental health clinic.

WHAT? I just spent the last hour telling you what I have endured, you comment how you are surprised how I am still functional and then tell me you can’t help me because you are only a counsellor and not a therapist? What is the emergency clinic for then? Now I have to do research into who I can afford for mental health? The health system is so broken for anyone with any form of mental issue. A person goes to find help but gets turned away because the help they find is “under qualified”.

To anyone out there dealing with depression, anxiety, burn out, PTSD or anything that is burdening you, please do not give up. Keep looking, You see by me story the first step is frustrating, sometimes disappointing. Please keep talking to people until you get the help you need.

I am now looking for a low cost or sliding cost therapists in Calgary that is not a one time visit, since that is what I find a lot of. There is one that is walk in therapists, however they are not one DR per customer so you are dealing with multiple DR’s, this is not a great situation but it might be the only one for now. In a city a large as Calgary AB I would have thought they cared more about the mental health of people here, however they do not by the evidence given.

Good luck to you all, and happy mental health. I will post on some tips to help with depression once I get back on my feet again. I seem to have stumbled, until then, take care of yourself.

 

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Have You Ever?

Hello friends, I hope this day finds you well. Today I’ve had another moment where I did something, tucked it away and then I see it produced by someone else.Someone else has made money off of the same thing that I did a year or more earlier.

If you didn’t know yet, I love to sing, not just while in the shower. Not just any singing either, I will belt it out like a blow horn if I am in the mood, and I am often in the mood.

My daughter hears a song on the radio and asks me “who is the original artist?” I tell her that the original artist is singing it right now. She will tell me it’s a female voice. I will sing a few lines and she just smiles and says, “oh, it’s you I was remembering”. heehee As I age I noticed I have developed a bit of stage freight, I did karaoke a bit ago and was nervous.

I also love to write, I like to create fun short stories and poems, I have even written a sermon just for the heck of it. I used to write down my musical creations and stopped because I thought I was being watched. Have you ever felt like you were being watched? Like things you did or said become a popular phrase, or a song comes out and you made it up a year before?

This happens to me, not just with music but also with poetry, stories, and a phrase I used. I started to think I was going crazy. I mean really, who the heck wants to follow me around? I’m nobody special so what the heck?

I have since decided to believe that creativity is like a whisper or image floating in the wind. I sometimes get a thought of a story, I’ll write it all out in my mind, but just as fast as it goes in my mind it’s gone. Poof! I don’t even remember what the heck it was about. I lose it before the pen and paper is found. So to me, a creative image that I could paint or a song to write, or a poem or whatever creativity that you do, if you don’t catch it and hold onto it then it moves onto another person. As in creativity waits for no man or woman, it has a desire to be told, sung, painted or expressed and it is not going to wait around for you to “get around to it”. Just as fast as it comes its off looking for someone else who is on able to grab it.

I am learning and trying to train myself to always have a pen and paper on me, and to hold that idea until I can write it down and share it. I think the “universe” has things to say and creative individuals are the way it speaks some times.

Or, I really am going a little bonkers.

Has this happened to you? Do you get the inspiration but it’s gone before you can get the pen and paper to write it down, or draw it?

 

Light Bulb Moment -maybe-

As you have read my last few posts show some struggles, ok, some crap I am pushing through. The first day after the abuse I took from the landlords and roommates, I spent the entire day in bed. I only got up to go the bathroom, that was it. I did not eat, not really slept, and the inside turned and I felt like that little girl waiting for her beating in the coal shed, and I had to get the strap myself. Nothing like delivering the weapon that is about to put you in serious pain. So sitting in my room still trying to find a way out of my once again impending homelessness and still scouring the internet for work I had a thought pop into my head.

“To thine own self be true”. Now I don’t want to get all religious on you, anyone who reads my writings knows my faith right now is as strong as a tight wire made of a single strand of human hair. My hair, so fine it would snap if a spider set upon it. There is NO WAY that will hold up to anything. But as I was sitting there day dreaming, as my mind wonders a lot. I thought “what the hell does that mean?” “why on earth did that pop into my head?” Then I realized my mind, subconscious or perhaps a higher power, who the hell knows, figured out what it means for me.

I have suffered crap since the day I was born, from my birth mother trying to kill me to abuse of any and all natures and then homelessness and now what happened a few days ago. There is one thing that made me get through it all. My father. Now that he is gone, my life seems to have taken even a stronger dive. What is the link. My father was able to change his ways and learn from his mistakes and became a really great man. One that I have not met since. But what I noticed about him is that he knew himself. He knew his weaknesses and he worked on them, but most of all he knew what he wanted to become. He knew the type of person he was, is, and always will be. He knew so well that I could lean on him and he helped carry me through stuff by just sitting in the seat beside me.

What do I know of myself? Who am I? What type of person am I? Am I a good mom, bad mom, or a fantastic mom? Am I charitable? A bully? Selfish? What am I really? If I am brutally honest with myself, no over thinking things, just stand outside myself and see myself for who and what I truly am and write it down. Don’t think about what I am writing down at this point, just think of any time I have been a bitch, bully, slut, and compare it to any time I have been charitable to others, been kind, helpful, caring, etc.

I realize that the world is not at all like it was when I was growing up. I remember people helping each other, strangers helping and friends were real true friends not superficial and what do they get out it. But I don’t want the modern selfish society to change what I know in my heart of hearts to be true, to be right, and to be admirable.

I realized that what if all those people in the world contemplating suicide, being abused, and depressed and struggling emotionally, mentally because they are from a different type of values that seems to no longer be in one with the non Christian world. Believe in religion or not, the fact that the world was ruled by the Christian values for many, many years. It has only been since Christianity is being attacked by non Christians and other beliefs that those core values of society have been altered, squashed and abandoned. Those still in the strong Christian moral value system are being under attack. So, even if you don’t believe in religion, do you still carry those core values? Are you kind at heart? Do you actually want to help others? Do you feel emotions so strongly you are empathic? Are you kind? Would you help a stranger just because they needed help? You don’t find humour in the modern idea of “reality TV” and the stupidity stunts and abuse of others? Do you care about the world and animals around you?

Why does this make any sense to me? If you know who you are, if you know without a doubt the person you are, and the person you are trying to become, that ultimate self that you are trying to be. So long as you are not trying to be someone else, but are trying to be who YOU are to be. Then it does not matter what the poo poo nay sayers are saying, who gives a shit what the judgy judgers are saying, and anything that is said about you, that is NOT WHO YOU KNOW YOURSELF TO BE, than you can disregard it. Toss it over the left shoulder into the abyss, and go on with your life. Doing what you know to be true, right, and worthy of you. Searching for like-minded people and leaving the rest in your dust. In the end, if, just if there is a judgement day, you can stand tall, head held high, and you will be successful over “those other people”. If there is not a judgment day and something else is among us after death, you can still stand tall and face whatever it is with those core values you know yourself to be. And you will make it through that too.

I believe we need to feel the pain, feel that hurt thrown on us. Think about it,and process it, but once we have felt it, processed the thought of it, we then can decide if it will continue, or be dismissed.

How do I learn about myself? Do I need to buy a fancy car or get a boob job or take a vacation to “discover” oneself? No. Nope, and No way. I feel we just need to sit down in a quiet place with a pen or pencil and paper or writing book. Then you start to ask yourself questions. Just like a writer asks their own characters who they are, to know them well, that is how you will know yourself well also.

I will post that in the next post how I am trying to work through this. Trying to reconnect with who I am and who I want to be? I don’t mean the house, cars etc, nothing of the world. I am talking deep in your soul, or perhaps you call it your chi, or maybe you call it your “self”. Either way, learn thy self is my new direction and focus.

Please share you thoughts on this, I would love to hear if anyone else has had an epiphany of how to overcome all of life’s challenges and is it working? have you needed to tweek it a little for situations? Does it keep you strong?