Light Bulb Moment -maybe-

As you have read my last few posts show some struggles, ok, some crap I am pushing through. The first day after the abuse I took from the landlords and roommates, I spent the entire day in bed. I only got up to go the bathroom, that was it. I did not eat, not really slept, and the inside turned and I felt like that little girl waiting for her beating in the coal shed, and I had to get the strap myself. Nothing like delivering the weapon that is about to put you in serious pain. So sitting in my room still trying to find a way out of my once again impending homelessness and still scouring the internet for work I had a thought pop into my head.

“To thine own self be true”. Now I don’t want to get all religious on you, anyone who reads my writings knows my faith right now is as strong as a tight wire made of a single strand of human hair. My hair, so fine it would snap if a spider set upon it. There is NO WAY that will hold up to anything. But as I was sitting there day dreaming, as my mind wonders a lot. I thought “what the hell does that mean?” “why on earth did that pop into my head?” Then I realized my mind, subconscious or perhaps a higher power, who the hell knows, figured out what it means for me.

I have suffered crap since the day I was born, from my birth mother trying to kill me to abuse of any and all natures and then homelessness and now what happened a few days ago. There is one thing that made me get through it all. My father. Now that he is gone, my life seems to have taken even a stronger dive. What is the link. My father was able to change his ways and learn from his mistakes and became a really great man. One that I have not met since. But what I noticed about him is that he knew himself. He knew his weaknesses and he worked on them, but most of all he knew what he wanted to become. He knew the type of person he was, is, and always will be. He knew so well that I could lean on him and he helped carry me through stuff by just sitting in the seat beside me.

What do I know of myself? Who am I? What type of person am I? Am I a good mom, bad mom, or a fantastic mom? Am I charitable? A bully? Selfish? What am I really? If I am brutally honest with myself, no over thinking things, just stand outside myself and see myself for who and what I truly am and write it down. Don’t think about what I am writing down at this point, just think of any time I have been a bitch, bully, slut, and compare it to any time I have been charitable to others, been kind, helpful, caring, etc.

I realize that the world is not at all like it was when I was growing up. I remember people helping each other, strangers helping and friends were real true friends not superficial and what do they get out it. But I don’t want the modern selfish society to change what I know in my heart of hearts to be true, to be right, and to be admirable.

I realized that what if all those people in the world contemplating suicide, being abused, and depressed and struggling emotionally, mentally because they are from a different type of values that seems to no longer be in one with the non Christian world. Believe in religion or not, the fact that the world was ruled by the Christian values for many, many years. It has only been since Christianity is being attacked by non Christians and other beliefs that those core values of society have been altered, squashed and abandoned. Those still in the strong Christian moral value system are being under attack. So, even if you don’t believe in religion, do you still carry those core values? Are you kind at heart? Do you actually want to help others? Do you feel emotions so strongly you are empathic? Are you kind? Would you help a stranger just because they needed help? You don’t find humour in the modern idea of “reality TV” and the stupidity stunts and abuse of others? Do you care about the world and animals around you?

Why does this make any sense to me? If you know who you are, if you know without a doubt the person you are, and the person you are trying to become, that ultimate self that you are trying to be. So long as you are not trying to be someone else, but are trying to be who YOU are to be. Then it does not matter what the poo poo nay sayers are saying, who gives a shit what the judgy judgers are saying, and anything that is said about you, that is NOT WHO YOU KNOW YOURSELF TO BE, than you can disregard it. Toss it over the left shoulder into the abyss, and go on with your life. Doing what you know to be true, right, and worthy of you. Searching for like-minded people and leaving the rest in your dust. In the end, if, just if there is a judgement day, you can stand tall, head held high, and you will be successful over “those other people”. If there is not a judgment day and something else is among us after death, you can still stand tall and face whatever it is with those core values you know yourself to be. And you will make it through that too.

I believe we need to feel the pain, feel that hurt thrown on us. Think about it,and process it, but once we have felt it, processed the thought of it, we then can decide if it will continue, or be dismissed.

How do I learn about myself? Do I need to buy a fancy car or get a boob job or take a vacation to “discover” oneself? No. Nope, and No way. I feel we just need to sit down in a quiet place with a pen or pencil and paper or writing book. Then you start to ask yourself questions. Just like a writer asks their own characters who they are, to know them well, that is how you will know yourself well also.

I will post that in the next post how I am trying to work through this. Trying to reconnect with who I am and who I want to be? I don’t mean the house, cars etc, nothing of the world. I am talking deep in your soul, or perhaps you call it your chi, or maybe you call it your “self”. Either way, learn thy self is my new direction and focus.

Please share you thoughts on this, I would love to hear if anyone else has had an epiphany of how to overcome all of life’s challenges and is it working? have you needed to tweek it a little for situations? Does it keep you strong?

 

 

 

PLEASE HELP OUT, PLEASE.

Please click link to view story and an opportunity to help.  Please Help Us Out

In case that link doesn’t work please try this one. https://www.gofundme.com/Homelesstoabetterlifechance

A few years ago I was injured at work. Unable to get financial help while I dealt with my spinal injury I flew through whatever saving we had. I fell into a horrible depression because I was in a wheelchair and my daughter had to wash me, help me put on my clothes and care for me.

During this time,the church members did no visiting,  the friends and family I had did nothing to help. No one brought over a dinner, no one came to visit and let us know they are a support. Accept for one brother. He popped by to say hi, and my sister in-law drove me twice. So that I am grateful for. Even though it was not much, I am glad that they did.  What we needed was a support network to jump in and help out.

I was able to walk again with the help of my amazing daughter and an occupational therapist. Wonderful to have these two by my side.

I was able to find work but is was seasonal, and I was laid off three years in a row.  The last one is what did us in. We gave away everything we owned, even gave away the piano I inherited from my father who passed a few years prior. It has been really hard. I am trying like mad to find work, but because of my injury no one wants to hire me.

I have not much money left, and we are about to be tossed back into the car. The place we live in right now is not great, it is a single small bedroom we share.

Please view the link, see the pictures, and please pass this call for help on to others. If enough people can give a little bit, it will add up to enough to give us the help we need to lift us out of this situation. The economic down turn has now hit Canada, I know people all over are struggling. But please, go read my story on Go Fund Me. Please pass that link to others, businesses, and anyone you know that may be able to help.

Thank you for anything you can do. https://www.gofundme.com/Homelesstoabetterlifechance

Tina

 

 

 

 

 

Writing assignment

Well folks! For the last month I have attended way too many writing classes, one for beginners, one for essentials in writing and one for how to write to make some cash, plus I am taking 8 other courses. WAY too many at one time, talk about nuts around here, and my computer crashes two days ago and took me two days to get it up and going again! That is not what you are here for so let’s get on with the writing assignment, I am to write a creative piece with all the lessons I am learning in beginners writing class, I absolutely love me teacher Ann Linquist. Here I will let you in on the very first intro to the story that I am writing for this assignment. I have about two short stories done on this one so far, and I think I am going to take into the series direction, so I may post them on kindle or something like that.

 

 ? No title ?

             You know those stories with a happy ending and everything works out in the end? Ya, this isn’t one of those! This is like a bad black and white movie, you know the ones where the beautiful vivacious woman uses the clever and charming private investigator, he knows what she is doing but he loves the excitement. My story begins with a beautiful receptionist, or so she thinks she’s a receptionist, typing at her desk late at night. I don’t know what she could be typing, maybe her resume, we haven’t had work in months.

“Will that be all Dicky? I need to pick up bobby from the sitters soon.” My receptionist Wanda asks.

“Sure you can go, I’m gonna hang out here for a while and finish my last Cuban. Lock up on your way out will ya?”

“Sure thing Dicky, hey you have a good night sweetie? Tomorrow will be better, I just know you will get something tomorrow. OK then, good night.”

I hear her keys jingle as she locks the door and her heels tapping on the hardwood as she fades into the distance, again you are alone, and all you hear is the echoes from the street. My office is small but it’s comfortable, and cheap. To be honest I have slept on my office couch for the last two months. I like to sit in my office and smoke my cigar, and I like the low light of my desk lamp as it casts shadows around the room to entertain my imagination on these lonely nights. Just then a sound catches my full attention, a slow creek, possibly 210 Lbs, flat leather shoes, a hole in the left bottom soul. But how did he get in? I heard Wanda lock the front door, I reach under my desk and grasp my two faithful and ever reliable friends Smith and Wesson.

Closer… and closer he approaches, now at the door he stops. He seems to linger there a few seconds, contemplating. An envelope slid under the door and then he scurries away. I get up to examine the envelope, I don’t bother opening the door he’s already gone. 10 years as a P.I. has taught me to not kill the messenger. I glance at the contents and pull out the folded paper, just then something falls onto the floor. I reach down and pick up a gold necklace with a water droplet shape pendant and a blue gem in the centre. After examining the necklace I return to my desk to read the contents. The letter read: Hard Water Pier, tonight at 10:30

 

Well I hope my writing is getting better and hope you enjoyed the teaser of this new story. Have a great day.

 

 

 

Art Class: Types of Lighting

This lesson was about types of lighting, I tried to get the direction right but not entirely happy with it, I will learn as I practice. Well here they are. All 7 types.

Oh ya, the shaded in areas please imagine that they are absolutely blackened except the areas that I left white. I could not get my colour pencil to go dark enough to black out completely. And as always, please imagine the clip board is not there, it is the only way I can hold up the drawings to take a pic. Thank you. OK, now let’s go.

 

Thank you for viewing. Until next lesson, hope you have a great day.

Thank you shower songs and Ms. Zimmerman

 

I love to sing and to hear my daughter play her flute or play the piano and now learning the guitar. It is so important in our lives I feel to explore music, even if you are tone-deaf. Music seems to instantly affect one self, it seems to create an opinion and strong feelings immediately. There is nothing else I have ever come across that can bring on such feelings so quickly other than paintings and even they do not seem to bring on such strength in emotion as quickly or as strong as music can.

I sing all the time and there is a running joke with my daughter and me she sometimes says while we are listening to the radio.

“I like the way the original singer sings this song.”

I reply “Actually this is the original singer.”

“No it’s not.”

“Ha-ha yes it is the original singer, who do you think it is that sang this song first?”

“It is a female voice, sometimes it is gentle and soft and sometimes it is strong and has that cool rasp”

“I only know of this singer, what year was that?” as I try to figure out who she is thinking of.

She continues to try to place who it is she is thinking about and explains other songs they may have sung. The list is so random of songs that I am completely lost as they seem to be all over the place of songs for one artist. A few seconds later we decide when we get home we will YouTube it and see what we can find. The music starts to make me want to join along and sing and as I sing my daughter start to laugh.

“Ha-ha I know who it is that I am thinking of, YOU! You really need to record music mom.”

I always reply “That’s just you looking through your mommy I love you eyes.”

They say that if you are musically inclined or talented you are also very good at math. Well that must be some magic marker that tells people if they are good or not because I play the piano and sing but math is the worst subject in all the subjects of the world. I just can’t seem to get it, I mean I get it but I can’t seem to do well at it, it takes me time to figure most math problems out. I had a woman come into a store once and I made a mistake with her order in returning her change. I was overpaying her $0.30. It was nice of her to let me know I made this error many people would have just walked off if they noticed a mistake in their favour. So I grabbed my calculator and figured it out, she became rather upset with me that I needed to verify with a calculator.

“Math is not hard, it is easy!” she angrily said.

“Too you perhaps and that is great, I am glad you can do mental math quickly and easily but for me no matter how much I try it never seems to stick for me. I am sorry but I am trying to help you the best that I can.”

We figured it out and she of course continued to try to make me feel like an idiot before she left. So that proves I just have a hard time with math. With music however when I would play all the time I could not only read but also play by ear. I could hear something once and then in a few moments be playing it on the piano, it was easy and fun for me. I have not played piano for many years now I never seem to have the time. I sat down the other day to play and it was gone, all that ability was gone. If you don’t use it you lose it is true, I practiced like I was back in the beginning lessons with Old McDonald farmer song for heaven sake. As I played it slowly came back bit by bit but it would have taken sometime longer to get to where I used was. So since I can’t lug around a large heavy piano I use the built-in instrument, my voice.

I don’t’ think there is ever a day that goes by without music and singing in my life. If there is a day that must be the days I am really low and depressed, even then I sing sad songs. My daughter is exploring jazz music right now, that is fun to listen to her explore this whole different world of music and not too often do you hear artists these days that do a real good scat like those old-time songs.

There was some time back a year that we had nothing, absolutely nothing and barely a roof over our heads, time was very hard and we had no music also. It was a dark hole and one thing that helped us get out of this pit of darkness, you guessed it, music. When the world around is dark, life is hard, painful and miserable, just hold up your head and sing. Sing anything, and before long you will feel again. If you can’t carry a note who cares, it is what is in you and it makes you feel so do it, SING!

As everyone knows I am sure the acoustics in most washrooms or shower rooms is fun to use when singing. I have a cat that is actually very opinionated about music, she will actually wag her tail and take a beat if she is liking your music and she will pure with enjoyment. If she hate the music she runs away and hides. But the one place she loves to be is sitting on the toilet lid while someone is in the shower. Maybe it is the heat given off from the warm water or maybe it is the acoustics of the washroom. But if you have a shower and she is not in there fast enough she will call to you the entire time you are in the shower telling you to let her in the washroom so she can sit on the toilet and listen to whomever is singing in the shower.

I started to think about where this love of music may have come from, was I born with it or family at church and home, my parents sang all the time also. I liked it but being made to study piano 3-5 hours or more a day I hated it. I developed carpel tunnel syndrome for so much piano playing and I hated the piano. I really wanted the guitar but was never allowed because my father loved the piano sound and he said one of his children will play the piano. I learned from that little experience to never force and instrument on a person so I let my daughter start her music off on the piano and she hated it after a year and she then chose the flute and her love of music grew. So where did my love of music come from? I remembered my teacher in a small town in Sparwood BC. She was the best music teacher I have ever had, and better than any teacher I have seen my daughter have. Her name was Ms. Zimmerman. She loved music so much that she poured that love and enjoyment into our classes. Our classes were hard but choir was such a growing class for me, growing as I learned team work in a sense of harmony, and courage to sing in front of others, and I learned to love the music at a time I was hating music because of the 3-5 hours of piano a day. I am so grateful for Ms. Zimmerman, thank you for bringing music into my life and sharing your passion with me. It felt personal the time she spent with each one of her students, one on one and anything else you needed she was there to guide us and show us how beautiful music is. As my daughter was growing up a remember using Ms. Zimmerman lessons to teach my daughter, the fun warm ups and the most amazing part is when my daughter was little she has a speech impediment. She could not say many things and we started to use Ms. Zimmerman’s warm up tunes and tongue twisting tunes, and those strange sliding tunes to help my daughter learn to use her tongue and air better and she learned to speak. It worked so well she was not needing speech lessons for long, so if you know someone whose speech is difficult or child with speech problems this is a great and very fun way to get a tongue to work better. Music has such a huge impact on our lives from creating emotion to better speech and better confidence. Thank you Ms. Zimmerman for improving my life and the life of my daughter through music, you mean the world to me.

Where ever you are, thank you.

T.C.