Rule Your Hell

Very recently I have experienced a struggle with reality I guess you could put it. I am in Alice’s Wonderland of all lands to enter. I mean really, why couldn’t I enter the land of enchantment, to be a queen in a castle? What is up is really down and the truth be told, the left side will not make you taller, just like the right will not make you smaller. While navigating this land I read anything and everything, I love to read. I never used to read, but as I have aged I noticed the joy of words in print. Just a fantastic way to weave in and out of realities, lessons and of course finding treasures in mystical worlds, my favourite. Words in print, just the best.

While having a panic attack when talking to my employer, I opened a random book. Seriously just random, picked up what was beside where I was sitting, While taking those deep slow breaths I opened a page deep within the bindings. This is what I read;

“To reign is worth ambition though in Hell: Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven” (Pg. 44 in Confessions of an Advertising Man by David Ogilvy)

That was all I read at that point, it hit me at first like I should be ashamed of this, it was shocking, thought provoking, and made me think I was about to be stricken by God at any point. This was blasphemous! Should I duck? Run for cover? I mean I honestly felt like I was in serious harms way.  But this is what writing is all about for me. To shock you, to make you think, to encourage or shake up your reality to open a new way of thinking.

I put it down and took a few more deep slow breaths. Reminding myself I am all right. As you may know, our body does not know the difference between stress of excitement, stress of fear, or stress of shock. To our bodies, stress is stress, and it releases all sorts of chemical reactions to help you fight or flight. So, self talk, don’t laugh; Self talk is a huge help to let your body  know you are all right. After calming down I had to open that book again. I searched for the page and re-read that line. I pondered it for a moment and realized that it is speaking to me right now. Ya, I am odd in the way that I look for “signs”, but anything that can help make sense or contribute to a better situation, I’ll take it. The timing couldn’t have been better, this just slipped right in at the right time.

What does this mean to you? It is better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. What? Is this person looking for a lightning bold in the butt? To me, I think of it meaning that when going through the land of Hell, you had better rule it while you pass through. Make it worth your while, learn all you need to make it work for you. Take your break when you want, change it up when you want, and make it your own. That’s my interpretation at this point in life of the first part. However, the better than serving in Heaven part I am not sure on. I picture Heaven as a place that we all rule our own kingdoms, we are not servants in heavens but our own gods. Simply, I believe those who succeed through life are rulers of their own kingdoms as a reward for the life lived here on earth. I suppose someone has to serve though, otherwise how is food served, or place cleaned or travel or what have your needs, you need a servant. In that perspective, no, I do not want to serve in Heaven. Perhaps those who do  not succeed so well in earthly life are a servant? Hmm, I am not sure on that idea. If earth is Hell, and the mysterious life after is Heaven, then here and now I am to rule my own Hell. Then in if I rule this life and if charitable enough and good I will rule again in Heaven.

I hope my train of thought process does not take you on a Mary-go-round but this is how my brain tinkers with things. After processing this I felt calm, like it was what I needed to know. I often think of things that help me get through hard times. such things like:

The light at the end of the tunnel is not at train.

This too shall pass.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Tomorrow is always better than today.

When travelling through hell don’t stop, you are just passing through.

These little self-help pep talks are great when you need them, but to consider to actually rule your Hell. This is a total shift, take charge of your Hell. What a great perspective. Whenever I go through a trying time, that is the time that I am more open to new ideas, I am actively searching for a “way out” or a better path. I actively search for “signs” that will lead me to more solid ground. Maybe it is time that I take on the Hell head on, step in the ring and fight for the right to rule my own Hell. I can picture it, can you?

The atmosphere is dark and smokey, just enough to see a short distance in front of you. The putrid smell fills the air so thick it chokes. The screams from tortured souls is the distant, and all around. You’re allowed one weapon of choice, however you wear no armour, you are naked. Why are you naked? Because this is the time you are raw, all in or nothing at all. Your stripped to the flesh to find your true strength, courage, your true grit and gut. Step into the ring to take the challenge to become ruler if you dare. Really its just a smoke circle. Across the ring stands the opponent. The beast is huge, muscles to spare  and stands an easy 10 foot tall. His breath of rotting flesh between his teeth can be smelled from across the ring, his body odour fills your eyes with water.  His ginormous horns dripping with blood are long and sharp, ready to impale you at first chance.  His bear like claws still red and his tail is tipped with long thorn like blades swing side to side as to tell you it calling your name. He is rarely defeated and he relishes the taste  of raw human flesh. The rules of the match, there are no rules.  Here I stand unchallenged, undefeated, and inexperienced.  No armour, fat, naked, having an anxiety attack and a small sword in hand.  What a match this will be. The beast is surely thinking he is getting a pulled pork sandwich tonight. All odds against me, no cheering section, no special powers, just me against the fierce beast. Piece of cake!

To Be Continued…

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Depression Takes The Win

We all hear a great deal of depression these days. What’s the big deal right? We all have stress, we all have a story, we all get sad or frustrated with our boss right? No big deal, just get over it!

Wrong! There is of course people who have never felt the pain and anxiety of depression. I am so glad that you never have had to deal with that pain. For those who do deal with it, I give you a large hug, and take a big deep breath with me.

Take deep breath now.

I have also a story of pain through out my life, and from time to time I talk to a walk in counsellor or, even done a few weeks of care with one. But there have been times when I needed someone better than just a counsellor. I’m not saying counsellors are crap, However, they are trained in only so much, they really don’t know and to be honest, there are some crap ass counsellors. Still going by the very old ideas and follow ridiculous stigmas. You must find a good counsellor. It may take some shopping around, but you must get one that listens, never cuts you off, and never criticizes you. To find a highly trained psychologist or whatever cost money. But if you can do it, it is well worth the help.

Yesterday, I snapped. Yup, lost it completely. Told my boss he was a fucking ass-hole, told him all sorts of stuff on what he can do with his abusive attitude towards me and the train he can take it on. Yup, lost it real good. I am still shaking today. I am beyond exhausted, and I am what you would call, done. Stick that fork in me, I am over done. This is not my normal behaviour, so for me to be so aggressive is a sign I am beyond the need for a therapist.

So this morning in I walk through the emergency mental health doors, I am told after I tell me story, that I need to talk to a family doctor and I need not a therapist, someone with more skill then the emergency mental health clinic.

WHAT? I just spent the last hour telling you what I have endured, you comment how you are surprised how I am still functional and then tell me you can’t help me because you are only a counsellor and not a therapist? What is the emergency clinic for then? Now I have to do research into who I can afford for mental health? The health system is so broken for anyone with any form of mental issue. A person goes to find help but gets turned away because the help they find is “under qualified”.

To anyone out there dealing with depression, anxiety, burn out, PTSD or anything that is burdening you, please do not give up. Keep looking, You see by me story the first step is frustrating, sometimes disappointing. Please keep talking to people until you get the help you need.

I am now looking for a low cost or sliding cost therapists in Calgary that is not a one time visit, since that is what I find a lot of. There is one that is walk in therapists, however they are not one DR per customer so you are dealing with multiple DR’s, this is not a great situation but it might be the only one for now. In a city a large as Calgary AB I would have thought they cared more about the mental health of people here, however they do not by the evidence given.

Good luck to you all, and happy mental health. I will post on some tips to help with depression once I get back on my feet again. I seem to have stumbled, until then, take care of yourself.

 

I effed up again!

Ever have one of those days, weeks, or months where you just can’t do anything right? Nothing you say is right, what you do was wrong, and even breath incorrectly. Sheesh!

That has been my life! OK, a little over dramatic I know,  but this passed 7 days has been one thing after another. I cooked the wrong food at work, then I burned the right food, then I forgot to make the other food. What is with my head? I can’t seem to get things flowing right.

At home I become a dropaholic, anything and everything I drop, break, crack and dent. I spilled our wash water all over the floor, I dropped the food on our now wash watered floor. I stubbed my toe on the crazy little corner that shouldn’t even be there. Then a part fell off the car, yup, driving along merrily and then it just fell right off. Random pieces of my car are trailing the highways. I hope it wasn’t needed because it is long gone.

While I drive I am taking the most attentive care to obey the speed limit. I have a lead foot so, I’ve been trying to be very good. There I am driving along doing the speed limit and everyone is honking at me, fingering, and shaking their heads at me. I keep telling them if they don’t like it, go around me. But no, they have to stay behind me and flick their high beams at me. Like that’s going to make me get a speeding ticket to make them happy. Yelling at me and fingering me is not going to make me speed for you either, so, GO AROUND! There is three lanes so, it’s not like you have any reason you can’t go around me.

Then the icing on the cake, I said the wrong thing to the person I love the most in the whole universe. My daughter. I popped her bubble on an idea she shared with me and I just reacted like a total jerk. I of course realized after I said it and, tried to back track but too late. The words fell out. I didn’t even know where those words came from, I don’t feel them at all. I want her to express herself, I want her to share with me, I want her to take her leaps of faiths and try new things. I was just a jerk so how do you fix this. Say I’m sorry right. I did, I did again and again but it still doesn’t feel right, and she doesn’t seem to be as excited about her thought anymore. Maybe if I stab myself to make her feel better? No, that won’t work, again, being overly dramatic. I just feel like crap for my behaviour and words.

This passed 7 days is over but this stretch of crap keeps going on. Like the never ending song, or never ending story, only worse. How is it worse than that? It’s happening to me, that’s how.

OK. Stop whining and figure this out. Shit happens, so how can I make a shit pie that tastes a lot better than it smells? I think I just have to laugh at myself, and then try to do better the next time, or day. Or take a really long nap, like Rip Van Winkle.

I am one of those people who mull over everything. I am a muller, I am a person who can not let things go until I make things better, or at least made my best efforts to make things right. I will try to see that it’s OK to make a booboo and learn to move forward. But what if you screw up repeatedly?

I suppose it’s all part of growing right?

Don’t ask your daughter what to do when you keep effing up, all she is going to say is: “I don’t know, it’s your problem.” Gee thanks hun for your great advice. heehee she was a fountain of help hey?

Well I will think on it more and maybe just take a long nap. I hear the Great Northern Catskills are a great place to sleep.

What do you do to stop the series of troubles or screw ups? Or stop mulling?