Online Dating

 

This year I opened myself up to all experiences. I am officially open to people, and receptive of the needs that I regularly deny myself. Finding people is hard. I don’t think it’s because I’m unattractive or a crazy lady.  I try the in person routes, but to no success.  It’s like they are too self involved in their day to realize they just got hit on. Or maybe I am a bit too forward. Hmm, would it be too forward you think if a woman walked up to you and said:

“Hey, your cute. Wanna date?”

Haha, of course that is NOT what I do, but that is what is said on the internet, (in a much more vanilla wording.)

Since regular routes are not working for friends or for finding a date I’ll give the online date world a try.  Well here is what has happened thus far.

I look around for some dating sites, I choose one and fill out my profile, feels like an hour has passed just talking about myself. Since I am not narcissistic this is an uncomfortable task.  I understand that I must let someone know a bit about me, but what do you say?

I am a crazy person by day and serial killer by night. Want to know more? Send me a message!

Or I could say something like;

I am a quiet and career focused  lady by day but I am called mistress DeWinter by night. Crack that whip!

No, this will not do at all. Fun to say, only not truthful. I fill it out as honestly as I can, then take a pic of myself and post all this information for the masses in the abyss to judge me. Dating feels like it has become an auction. (Do I hear One bid, one, one how about two! Sold!)

If you have been judged worthy you get a “hey” or a “meet me” pic.  How disappointing. “Hey” is the new pick up line.  A single word. Not even enough intellectual thought for a “how are you today?” Or worse yet the ever so popular;

“Hey, you are beautiful (or cute) wanna be my FWB?”

For those who don’t know what FWB is, its Friends with benefits. I am sure everyone knows this, but just in case I thought I would go ahead and say it.

What happened to the creative pick up lines that sound cheesy or even make you laugh. You know those lines are all crap, but it’s fun to have some man make the effort to try.

Man:”Was you father a thief?”

Woman: “no.”

Man: “Then who stole that stars from the skies and put them in your eyes?”

Ha ha, those horrible cheesy lines. What happened? That was fun, made me smile and broke the ice for conversation to open up.

Ah, those were the days. haha. As far as the “meet me” app I get 50 or more “meet me” daily. Do you honestly think that someone is looking at all of them? This is not what I am wanting at all. This feels so superficial and cheap. I don’t need my ego stroked, and I don’t want men to judge me on my looks. Sure physical attraction is a plus, however, there is so much more to a relationship than looks.

Anyhow, with a “hey” the game begins. (This is the most mind numbing form of dating I have ever experienced.)  I of course am trying to play the game, ya know, don’t hate the player type thing so get on board. I click through the many images of men who want to “chat with me”. Then I return with the same lack of courting skills (since it appears to be the norm) and “hey back”.

Trying to find the rose among weeds is a daunting task. I would guess that out of 10 chats, 6 are wanting sex tonight so give them your cell number and lets get busy!  And just for good measure they send you a picture of their penis, fully erect and ready for your to hop on! Then there is about 3 who want to talk about sex and hope that you are eventually going to give in. Then there is one. You think may be a possible meet. Grate!  Your conversations were open and creative and you are actually looking forward to meeting this man. Now you arrange a meet. Prepare yourself, after meeting and the awkwardness of the initial hello is over guess what he wants to talk about or do? Just take a wild, crazy guess? If you guessed sex you are correct! Out of 10 messages you narrowed things down to, put in your time and effort for at least a couple weeks and you end up with… zero prospects. So anti-climatic!

Do you think this makes me bitter? No, not at all. Only frustrated. I absolutely love men. I love how they smell, how they look, how they laugh and how they love, talk and treat a woman. Men are one of the best creatures on this planet. Only if they are raised right of course. You know, don’t teach your sons that woman are just dip stick holders.

Where are the men among men who take the time to write a proper hello, take the proper time to read through the profile. Who knows, maybe he will realize she is crazy and you don’t want her, or maybe he may feel like she is someone who you want to work your ass off to win over.

Online dating…I am not sure how this is going to work out but I am still trying to find even a friend. I’m a good person online so, reason says that maybe there is another good person online.

Wish me luck!

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Objectified

As you know I have opened myself up for dating, and I had met someone who was wonderful. So fun to be with, looked at me with loving eyes and he cared a lot about me. But then overnight it changed and I was left playing catch up, wondering what happened. So, he pulled me apart, he picked at me looking for things that were ugly. Anyone looks ugly if you pick them apart enough. He no longer looked at me with love and admiration in his eyes.  I think he did all this in an attempt to make it so he can push me away without hurting himself, or maybe he didn’t even realize it. Either way, it hurt me deep. Deep into my soul. Even though this happened I still love my friend. But apart we did go. Here is what I see it all as.

 

Objectified

Such a tower of strength you are

Yet so sweet and kind,

So beautiful inside and out.

How you listen to me with an open heart

You are playful and loving,

How close I feel to you

I want to be with you always.

 

I feel so close, such a pull to be with you

It scares me to feel so much for someone.

I care about you so much it hurts.

There must be something wrong with you?

There must be something you are hiding?

 

I see it now, you are flawed.

You are a whore,

You are fat and ugly, inside and out.

Look at you, so hideous

You are so gross, I gag on your ugliness

How could I have ever cared about you?

 

Forever Love

Forever pursue me, like the devil lust for souls,

Forever chase me, like the sun does the moon,

Forever follow me, like ducklings in the pond.

Forever protect me, like a mamma bears cub .

Forever walk beside me, like rows in a garden.

Forever love me with passion, like an artist painting a master piece.

Forever laugh with me, like kids in a park.

 

 

 

 

 

Lonely Nights

Adult/sexual content warning!!!! Today I am wanting to try to write something a little more exciting. Hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it.

I lie here alone, this bed feels so much bigger without you under it’s sheets. I still smell you cologne, intoxicating, it fills the bedroom reminding me of your your body against mine. I still feel your heart beating, your muscles tensing and hear you deep breathing in my ear.

I close my eyes, I try to fall asleep. I see your eyes and feel you touching my body. I feel you squeeze my breasts, nibble and suck on my nipples. I feel you lick my neck, and slowly kiss me all-the-way-down. Your tongue sends shivers all over my body.

I touch myself to make it real. I squeeze my breast like you do. I put my hand between my legs like you do. My breath deepens, heart begins to rush. My fingers caress my clitoris like you do. I breath faster, a little moan, muscles tense. I move my hips as I push my fingers inside, I curl my finger like you do, in search of the point that makes me moan louder. I imagine your hard penis thrusting deep inside me, bringing me to orgasm.

When it’s all over I am still alone. I can hardly bare sleeping under these sheets without you.

 

 

Frisky

The night makes me feel a little frisky,

The music makes me think a little naughty,

The smoke in the drink’s got me a little hazy,

I’m wanna cause something a little crazy.

 

Swaying to the music, with my little sexy dance,

She don’t like it, but I can tell by your glance,

Your thinking we should make a little romance,

Come over here and take  a chance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is my best day!

 

Today I saw a shirt that had the above words, I thought to myself what a great slogan. No matter what type of day you are having “Today is my best day” and make it that.

These past few years have turned into a slump, after losing my job and forced to drop out of a course I wanted to take due to financial need I have been just going from one job to another looking for some way to make ends meet. The feeling like your running in a huge mud puddle and sinking. I believe that we have influences all around us in large or small ways, the milk spilled so now you are late for work, does that mean you have to behave like a Bitch to everyone? No, not at all.

As you are just spreading your negative influence so, when I see something that is a positive influence I try to embrace it into my day and week. We all have an abundant amount of negative influences all around us every second every day. How we handle them is what sets us apart from others, are we better than those negative influences? I’m trying to be.

Today is my best day, if I take a step back and ponder this, how profound it can be of a statement. I have had so few “best days” that I think I need to re-think how I look at myself. My daughter is invited to a wedding and we have nothing to give or even a dress for her to wear. I have not been able to buy cloths in well over three years and am down to two pants and 4 shirts and one bra. I now have every sock with holes that have been re-sewn so many times that the sock is see through with only strands of thread holding together. I have sewed my cloths so many times that the patches and torn material is so thin no patch or thread is going to save it. My jeans are practically see through and now a single mom looking for work again.

So when the “today is my best day” filled my head I have to admit first glance I thought “ya right!” but then I stopped stressing out and decided yes, today is my best day.

I have a roof over my families head, I have a small amount to food to stave of hunger, small amount and not very healthy but it will keep us alive. We do have cloths, even though they are the holiest things I have ever owned. We have each other.

I think I must stop focusing on the horizon, and start learning to enjoy the walk.  Just like this quote:

If you’re going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill

So when I am down I just need to think of it as I am just passing through, not stopping, not dwelling on anything, I’m just passing through. So, today is my best day and so will tomorrow and the tomorrows after?

I want to pass on the inspiration, I do not know who made the shirt, if it is a famous quote or what it is, but I want to pass on the inspiration to you. Make today and every day your best day by looking at what you have and not what don’t.

Make today your best day.

Rule Your Hell

Very recently I have experienced a struggle, with reality I guess you could put it. I am in Alice’s Wonderland of all lands to enter. I mean really, why couldn’t I enter the land of enchantment, to be a queen in a castle? What’s up is really down, and the truth be told, the left side of that mushroom will not make you taller. Just like the right will not make you smaller. While I go through hard times I always try to learn from others, I read anything and everything as fast as I can read it. Just so I can find an inspiration, and tool or a strand of hope to get me through this with some sort of grace. I love and respect all writers, it is a fantastic way to weave in and out of realities, lessons and of course finding treasures in mystical worlds, my favourite. Words in print, just the best.

While having a random anxiety attack, I opened a random book. Seriously just random, picked up what was beside where I was sitting. While taking those deep slow breaths I opened a page deep within the bindings. This is what I read;

“To reign is worth ambition though in Hell: Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven” (Pg. 44 in Confessions of an Advertising Man by David Ogilvy)

This was like a fist to the face. What the hell is this person saying? It was shocking, thought provoking, and made me think I was about to be stricken by God at any point. This was blasphemous! Should I duck? Run for cover? I mean I honestly, felt like I was in serious harms way. Not what someone in the middle of an anxiety attach needs! But this is what writing is all about for me. To shock you, to make you think, to encourage or shake up your reality, only then are you open to a new way of thinking.

I put it down and took a few more deep slow breaths. I’m calming down from the attack now by reminding myself “I am all right”. As you may know, our body does not know the difference between stress of excitement, stress of fear, or stress of shock. To our bodies, stress is stress, and it releases all sorts of chemical reactions to help you fight or flight. So, self talk, (don’t laugh) is a huge help to let your body  know you are all right. After calming down I had to open that book again. I searched for the page and re-read that line. I took it to be speaking to me right now. Ya, I’m special in the way, but anything that can help make sense of or contribute to a better situation; I’ll take it.

It is better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven. What? To me, I think of it meaning when going through Hell you had better rule it while you pass through. Make it worth your while right, why be a slave in Hell? Learn all you need to make it work for you.

That’s my interpretation at this point in life of the first part. However, the better than serving in Heaven part I am not sure.Heaven is supposed to be a place we all want to go, but no I don’t want to be a servant for eternity, be it heaven or hell.

I often think of things that help me get through hard times. such things like:

The light at the end of the tunnel is not at train.

This too shall pass.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Tomorrow is always better than today.

When travelling through hell don’t stop, you are just passing through.

These little self-help pep talks are great when you need them as a quick pick up, but to consider to actually rule your Hell. This is a total shift. Take charge! for a lack of better words “man up.” What a great perspective.

So, next question is… How?

Go to school and get that education that will make you a leader. Focus on your current work to show you are stronger, better, and more passionate. Show you want that raise, be assertive! Go for the next level within the company or a competing company. Don’t hang around for a boyfriend / girlfriend to get their shit together, move it on up, don’t let them drag you down. Don’t let them hold you back either, do not let them follow you like a weight around your ankles. Let the pain of the past be exactly that, all in the past. Don’t carry it with you in your future. If you let the past follow you around then it wins, you must win over anything that happened yesterday. It hurt, yup, now let it go.

Basically find the courage to take a leap of faith, to make a move up, or move forward. You can do it. How do I know this? Because history is filled with stories of people who had nothing that made the world change. Not just the local town shaken up, no, these people who had nothing, changed the WORLD! How? Courage! Be courageous, be assertive, get educated and rule your Hell.

😉

 

Oh Gravity

As I get older I see gravity is becoming a bit of a bitch. I suppose I should look into a support group. I wonder if there is a nipple dragging group out there?  I don’t want to be a “tripper” when I am in a nursing home, geesh, I could break a hip. A bit dramatic? maybe so. However this is a serious problem among women! 🙂

We all want to look good right? We all want to feel attractive, wanted and desired right? Hell ya. I love being loved, touched, kissed, licked, who doesn’t? But as I get older and hips have widened I see the downside of age. Such cruel reality.

Why bother, no one is looking under my shirt anymore. Why can’t I just let it all hang out? Swinging to and fro, who cares? A strong gust of wind and I have my own flags cheering me on! Other than the people they may slap in the face, oh no, more like slap in the knees! My apologies.

I am exaggerating of course. But some days it feels like the sex appeal is all gone. The body changes through life I get it. So, how do you feel sexy as you age? How do you make yourself feel like you have a” little dirty secret” that puts a little bounce back in your step? You know, when you used to wear lingerie under your cloths or freshly shaved/waxed vagina, or whatever you did you make you feel good. What can you do now? Exercise!

Yup, I saw an older lady from the back at first, it was a body of a 20 or even 30 year old. Then she turned around, and my mouth dropped! She was not at all a young woman. I had to ask her what she did? Is this plastic surgery? Nope. She does yoga 3 days a week and pole dancing 3 days a week. POLE DANCING! I asked her how old she was. She was 67 years old. I was so impressed. She told me she had only been doing dancing for about a year and she saw changes in her body that she had never had before. She has done yoga for 5 years. So she started at 62 years old to loose 30Lbs but she gained a body she never even dreamed of. How wonderful! She said her breasts have even firmed up. Come on, this is the key ladies. Find a strengthening workout that you love and work it, work it work it!

One of my new year goals is to lift these babies up, up, up. Rise my sweets! Look to the ski! I am doing push-ups, and chest pumping and anything I can to re-develop that muscle area. (And I am signed up for the next pole dance class) I wonder if there is Botox for breast? Hmmm? nah, I don’t like getting a needle in my arm, sure don’t want needles stuck into my tender ladies.

oh no, my mind just wondered to a tire pump, wouldn’t that be nice hey, just pump them up when they get a little flat. hahaha.

Well I’m just saying, gravity, she’s is a bitch. But so am I, I will not let you win!

Happy exercising. 🙂

The Monster You Made

When I awoke this morning, I had hoped to shed you.

I hoped the pain you stabbed me with, no longer bled.

Showered off your smell, and watched your touch go down the drain.

Your twisted truth of love  turned into nothing more than a burdensome trinket.

But here I stand strong, I’ve not turned to ash and blew away in the wind.

I’ll rise from this wreckage, stronger still, with higher walls.

I wear upon my chest the heavy medallion you gave me.

My heart blackened, for believing your lies.

My love turned to vengeance, jaded and cold.

My kiss, laced with venom.

My touch, lined with poison.

My stare enchants and encapsulates all who gaze, unable to resist me.

I smile as I drink thier life force, watching it slowly drain from their eyes.

Look what you created, in all your arrogance.

You made this, you pulled out all my innocence, and filled it’s hole with the venomous beast before you.

Is this what you had in mind? Have I made you proud? Am I beautiful to you now?

Come and gaze into my eyes, let me touch your flesh, let my beautiful lips kiss you.

Come closer, feel my breath, listen to my gentle whisper,  breath in my sweet potion.

Enter my chambers my love, let me look into your eyes…

 

By Tina Curtis

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Swerved

When we met, you loved my eyes, and wanted to kiss my lips, I let you kiss me and look into my soul.

You liked my body, I danced for you.

You couldn’t get my words out of your mind, I talked and laughed with you.

You wanted to touch me, I let you.

You wanted to know me, I said yes.

But then you swerved. Our love was about shine brighter than the sun. But you swerved.

You said you were sorry and can’t go on without me. I stayed.

You said you love my smell. I pulled you closer.

You said you admire my strength, I let you lean on me.

You said you wanted me, I said yes.

But then you swerved. Our love was about to shine brighter than the sun. But you swerved.

I felt the wind as you passed me by,  and now you are too far behind.

I will not go back, I will not wait, I will not swerve from my path.

You want me now? I’m too far ahead to look back.

You swerved.