Co-Dependant or Co-Addict

I am revealing something that is very hard to put out to the abyss, but I hope it helps someone out there. I recently made a discovery about myself while trying to heal from a broken, very close friendship. You do not need to be romantically involved to feel a huge loss. I dated addicts before and never had an issue, however, I forgot a very important part of that past experiences. I was also an addict, and could not truly love either, so when a relationship went bad I thought nothing of it. I just thought we were not comparable or I thought he was a jerk and moved on somewhat easily.  So, I thought it would be fine to be friends with this man now. Only to discover that since I no longer abuse drugs and alcohol, I am feeling my feelings stronger now.

It felt so good you know? To see you are loved through someones eyes, the respect he has for you, the admiration he has for you, just felt so dam good. Than when we started to get close he changed the relationship. It started to hurt how he would objectify me. I was no longer able to see that wonderfulness in his eyes.

I hurt for weeks upon weeks, a hallowed feeling inside, like someone just scooped out an ice cream scoop of my soul. I cried all the time, I felt a loss that I really did not know how to deal with or fix. I have been on the receiving end of a lot of evil in this world and was able to come back from it in tact, but this particular feeling I just did not know how to deal with. I am not at all saying he was evil, heavens no. Such a wonderful man he truly is. Just he is an addict and he is far enough in that he displays the traits that hurt me. I love him so much, even still. He was after all my close friend, I thought.

In doing an online search of how to heal after a breakup, even though we were not physical it is still a relationship. I couldn’t find anything that was relevant to how I was feeling. Than I decided to search, how to heal from a relationship with an addict and BINGO! I found articles on exactly how I was feeling, exactly what had happened in our relationship. It was a slap in the face, a double-edged sword. I learned that I possibly was that hurtful when I was doing drugs.

Apparently I am a co-addict or co-dependant. Meaning that because of my passiveness to that type of person I will put their needs above mine. But I have a strong personality so how could this be true? I am dominant in life and over come many evils and obstacles. Inside I am still that abused hurt little girl who always has no one hearing my voice, never have I truly let that go, I guess.

“A co-addict must get down to the root of their problems and stop deflecting them with the addict’s problems.” (http://addictionblog.org/family/loving-a-drug-addict-can-a-drug-addict-truly-love/)

I encourage anyone who is in a relationship with an addict to please go get some help to find your root causes of why you do this to yourself. Make the changed in your life to be happier, even if that means letting go of the man/woman you love now. Your voice is important, you are valuable and you do come first.

I have found a group called Nar-Anon. It is like alcoholic/drug addicts anonymous groups. Still a 12 Step program, but I am willing to try to make my relationship healthy and to make myself stronger.  Please check this group out in your local area, it is worldwide. I wish you luck, love and happiness.

 

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Objectified

As you know I have opened myself up for dating, and I had met someone who was wonderful. So fun to be with, looked at me with loving eyes and he cared a lot about me. But then overnight it changed and I was left playing catch up, wondering what happened. So, he pulled me apart, he picked at me looking for things that were ugly. Anyone looks ugly if you pick them apart enough. He no longer looked at me with love and admiration in his eyes.  I think he did all this in an attempt to make it so he can push me away without hurting himself, or maybe he didn’t even realize it. Either way, it hurt me deep. Deep into my soul. Even though this happened I still love my friend. But apart we did go. Here is what I see it all as.

 

Objectified

Such a tower of strength you are

Yet so sweet and kind,

So beautiful inside and out.

How you listen to me with an open heart

You are playful and loving,

How close I feel to you

I want to be with you always.

 

I feel so close, such a pull to be with you

It scares me to feel so much for someone.

I care about you so much it hurts.

There must be something wrong with you?

There must be something you are hiding?

 

I see it now, you are flawed.

You are a whore,

You are fat and ugly, inside and out.

Look at you, so hideous

You are so gross, I gag on your ugliness

How could I have ever cared about you?

 

Finding Inner Strength

On Tuesday I had an interesting conversation with someone who I thought was a dear close friend. Sadly he is no longer in my close circle but, still a friend from afar. We were talking about how to inspire my daughter to find her strength and ambition to create her own life journey as she is a little stuck. Sadly, he said that the way to get her to want to be something more is to have sex. Because when you have sex it makes you feel so good about yourself that you want to do more, you want to be better, and have an independent life from parents.

This surprised me because he puts on a good confidence show, I had not realized until that moment how much he gets his “confidence” from external acceptance. He has no inner rock, no inner stability that validates himself by himself. (This is not the reason he is no longer in my close circle of course, there are many other factors that I needed to look at to keep myself balanced and in peace.) I also want to say that letting people go from my life is never an easy decision, I value each person so deeply, so strongly that it hurts me to say goodbye. Honestly, I cry for loss.

So, today I want to write about an issue that I feel may help some people. I have always been told how strong and independent, and resilient I am. How I have a presence that makes people gravitate towards me. Well today I am going to share something I learned. I learned this skill as a child dealing with abuse, neglect and how I found a way to pull through and rise above. I had help along the way, I put faith in strangers and learned from conversing with people. Learn from other’s mistakes so you don’t have to make it.

Of course this is not the end all be all, but I hope it can help when making the decision. Of course I can also become invisible when I want to but, that is another conversation for another time.

Over the years I have watched people in their relationships, career choices and interactions and noticed that so many people have a very noticeable lack of confidence. I too have gone through a crash in the confidence department, recently actually. But because I had already found my inner rock and I also linked my inner rock to something visual. I visualize it with the moon. For me, the moon is usually guaranteed to always be available, well most nights. The night is a time that I can focus without distraction to “talk things out with the moon”. Since I am a very visual person this helps me to lift myself up again and again.

The skill in finding inner confidence takes some time, practice and maybe even a little experimentation, so please be patient with yourself. Tweek this suggestion so it works for you, everyone is different and needs to visualize or feel or hear to discover new ideas and new ways to grow. So, just because it works for me in this way maybe you need to adjust this to suit you so it works for you. But do keep an open mind please, and if you want to grow confidence then you must keep practising. Remember that we all have times where even the most beautiful or the successful people are self-conscious and reek low self esteem. The difference is shaking off that negative and replacing it with inner strength quickly to not keep or drag you down or worse, drag down others.

Confidence is not about body size or shape, it is not about money or fame. It is not about being validated by the affections from someone else. It is all in our own mind. Know yourself first! Know what you want out of life, relationships and who you are. For example: If you are with a man pushing to have sex with you and you don’t want it, you have the power to say no. If he tries to make you feel guilty about it, then he is definitely not for you. If he says he will leave you, then say goodbye. Your feelings are important, they are legit and you must value yourself so much that your values are never compromised. Your strength comes from you knowing what you want and don’t want. You see?

Here is the start, think about a time you felt confident. Got it? Now think of the feeling you had, how did you feel? Did you make a decision in that time? How did that feel? This feeling you had localize where in your body you felt the most powerful confidence. Did you feel it in your chest? Maybe your stomach? Perhaps your head?

This is the energy you want to focus on now, feel that confidence build, think of being positive, easily laughing, the feeling of courage even. Are you feeling great about yourself? This place that you are generating your confidence from is where you will reach to when you feel the worst and when you need a little boost. Your mind will actively be trying to be positive and fun when you recreate this. This combination is where you find the greatest strength to look at any situation and see it for what it is.

I find that I can feel stronger feelings, and passion from this combination. I feel love so much more intensely, I feel the desire laugh much more easily and I crave it. People love to be around people who really laugh at their jokes, who are not stiff and ridged and a rule freak. So, relax, and generate that confidence energy and use your mind to enhance that energy to a stronger, more self aware you.

I hope this helps you to feel sexy, to feel strong and to have the ability to make better choices because you know you deserve the best out of life.

 

 

 

 

Drawing A Hero

Today I felt like drawing, so I decided since I have to go check on a friends kid today I would bring him a gift. (The kid, not the friend). I scoured the internet to find an image I could try to draw and sprinkle a little me style over it. Here is what I made for him. He is of German decent so I tried to add a little culture to it as well and the familiar Mortal Instruments symbol for fun. I hope he likes it.

Draw A Hero

Goodbye Dear Friend

I recently had to say goodbye to a man who I put into my close friend circle. I could see in him some qualities that I found admirable. Of course I did, I don’t hang out with crap personalities. I enjoyed to spend time with him as I could share in the positive loving energy, and then our relationship changed.

It started to get to where I felt like I was walking on egg shells. I no longer knew myself and started to feel like I was supposed to changed. This was of course on my part as he never asked this of me, however, I felt that I did not know what he wanted from me. I felt that what I felt was not being valued.

I would hear his words and believed them as I put a great deal of trust on honesty, however his actions did not follow his words, so there was no balance there. Of course there was more but the point is, I started to feel uneasy around him. I started to drink again just to numb the confusion. I started to consider compromising my values to make him happy.

This is of course not a healthy relationship, in any type of relationship. So when is it time to let the person you care about, (be it friend, lover, mate, or whomever) go? Well definitely before it got to where I let it get. This is my own weakness. I always think that this is just a rough patch. I also keep thinking that maybe I am the one who is causing issues where there is none. This is just a left over self doubt I have and am working on one step at a time. I love myself though, I know who I am and am very grateful for this. I stated to him who I am and basically if you want in my life this is it, respect this or your not in my close friendship life.  Of course as I see him around I will still be friends, only, from afar.

This is hard as I grew to valued him, in fact I value everyone, and am always open to closeness with my friend circle. However, I value myself above this. I also believe in the Hermetic Law and sometimes the time that we spend with someone is over. Its purpose has been served. So, when you feel like this, perhaps its time to move on, all I know, is saying goodbye is never easy, and even though he was just a friend, he was still a friend. I am sorry to find out he didn’t value me, but please if you are going through loss of a friend or more, please stay true to yourself. You are valuable, your opinions and needs matter too.

“I wish you love and happiness, I wish you success and peace…Goodbye dear friend.”

I hope this story helps you to feel strong when dealing with a relationship that is not a healthy one.

Forever Love

Forever pursue me, like the devil lust for souls,

Forever chase me, like the sun does the moon,

Forever follow me, like ducklings in the pond.

Forever protect me, like a mamma bears cub .

Forever walk beside me, like rows in a garden.

Forever love me with passion, like an artist painting a master piece.

Forever laugh with me, like kids in a park.

 

 

 

 

 

Lonely Nights

Adult/sexual content warning!!!! Today I am wanting to try to write something a little more exciting. Hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it.

I lie here alone, this bed feels so much bigger without you under it’s sheets. I still smell you cologne, intoxicating, it fills the bedroom reminding me of your your body against mine. I still feel your heart beating, your muscles tensing and hear you deep breathing in my ear.

I close my eyes, I try to fall asleep. I see your eyes and feel you touching my body. I feel you squeeze my breasts, nibble and suck on my nipples. I feel you lick my neck, and slowly kiss me all-the-way-down. Your tongue sends shivers all over my body.

I touch myself to make it real. I squeeze my breast like you do. I put my hand between my legs like you do. My breath deepens, heart begins to rush. My fingers caress my clitoris like you do. I breath faster, a little moan, muscles tense. I move my hips as I push my fingers inside, I curl my finger like you do, in search of the point that makes me moan louder. I imagine your hard penis thrusting deep inside me, bringing me to orgasm.

When it’s all over I am still alone. I can hardly bare sleeping under these sheets without you.

 

 

Frisky

The night makes me feel a little frisky,

The music makes me think a little naughty,

The smoke in the drink’s got me a little hazy,

I’m wanna cause something a little crazy.

 

Swaying to the music, with my little sexy dance,

She don’t like it, but I can tell by your glance,

Your thinking we should make a little romance,

Come over here and take  a chance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is my best day!

 

Today I saw a shirt that had the above words, I thought to myself what a great slogan. No matter what type of day you are having “Today is my best day” and make it that.

These past few years have turned into a slump, after losing my job and forced to drop out of a course I wanted to take due to financial need I have been just going from one job to another looking for some way to make ends meet. The feeling like your running in a huge mud puddle and sinking. I believe that we have influences all around us in large or small ways, the milk spilled so now you are late for work, does that mean you have to behave like a Bitch to everyone? No, not at all.

As you are just spreading your negative influence so, when I see something that is a positive influence I try to embrace it into my day and week. We all have an abundant amount of negative influences all around us every second every day. How we handle them is what sets us apart from others, are we better than those negative influences? I’m trying to be.

Today is my best day, if I take a step back and ponder this, how profound it can be of a statement. I have had so few “best days” that I think I need to re-think how I look at myself. My daughter is invited to a wedding and we have nothing to give or even a dress for her to wear. I have not been able to buy cloths in well over three years and am down to two pants and 4 shirts and one bra. I now have every sock with holes that have been re-sewn so many times that the sock is see through with only strands of thread holding together. I have sewed my cloths so many times that the patches and torn material is so thin no patch or thread is going to save it. My jeans are practically see through and now a single mom looking for work again.

So when the “today is my best day” filled my head I have to admit first glance I thought “ya right!” but then I stopped stressing out and decided yes, today is my best day.

I have a roof over my families head, I have a small amount to food to stave of hunger, small amount and not very healthy but it will keep us alive. We do have cloths, even though they are the holiest things I have ever owned. We have each other.

I think I must stop focusing on the horizon, and start learning to enjoy the walk.  Just like this quote:

If you’re going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill

So when I am down I just need to think of it as I am just passing through, not stopping, not dwelling on anything, I’m just passing through. So, today is my best day and so will tomorrow and the tomorrows after?

I want to pass on the inspiration, I do not know who made the shirt, if it is a famous quote or what it is, but I want to pass on the inspiration to you. Make today and every day your best day by looking at what you have and not what don’t.

Make today your best day.

I Look Up To A Third Grade Drop Out

What a strange thing to say right? Me, who has been educated beyond the third grade, I have  multiple certificates and by all account would be considered well-educated. (Even though I struggle with some things I am working on) Why on earth would I look up to a third grade drop out?

This particular third grade drop out was in third grade three times. Failed because he broke his writing arm one year. Failed the next because he broke his other arm. The final time in grade three he dropped out and went to work. An eleven year old boy digging ditches to put food on the table and a roof over his families head. This eleven year old became a man, became the sole money earner for 8 people.

This drop out loved to read and would read anything he could get his hands on. He worked hard all his life. He dug ditches, cleaned out sewers, drove heavy equipment, learned to repair heavy equipment, started his own logging business. Married and raised 7 children, including one adoption and cared for many foster children over the years.

This man was strong, wise, and always ready to lend a helping hand. He loved people, loved to talk with people, loved to hear their stories and always lifted them up before he left. He always did his best to make a wrong right. He overcame alcoholism, he overcame abuse, he overcame hardship and starvation. This man’s life experiences were vast and hard. He still rose above it, learned from it and always worked on making himself a better man, a better husband, and a better father  and friend. He is an inspiration to all who met him. I never met a person over the years who knew him say anything bad, always pleasant memories and stories of how he made their lives better.

Anytime I needed help he was always there with the best support and advice. He would ponder what your predicament was, then gave you a couple of choices. He always let you know how he saw those choices would work out. From there he allowed me to make my own choice, no matter my choice, no matter if he thought it was right or wrong, he always backed me up. Always loved me even when I really messed things up. He said that it is when we mess things up is when we find out what kind of person we truly are. If we make it right, if we do all we can to swallow our pride and make amends that is the lessons we must learn to become stronger. He taught  me to never carry the past into the future with  me. Let the past be a distant memory and never let it control your future. By watching how he loved my mother I learned how love should be, how fighting to work it out should be. How to forgive each other and how to always see the person inside and never see them in a superficial way.

When I was taking my college exams he decided to take a placement test. He just wanted to see if he was still at grade 3 level. Turns out he was a 4 th year engineer level. He had the life experience and read his way to such a high education that he still succeeded without stepping foot into University.

My father was is the man I compare all men to. This is a tall order follow, but I don’t need a degree, I don’t need a beautiful face, I don’t need fancy cars or trucks or anything materialistic. I want the love my father showed, I want a man who when he see his faults does everything in his power to change for the better.  Quit drinking or quit drugs or become more patient. To have courage to make amends, to make a better choice and learn from his mistakes. To always work hard at any job he has, as long as he takes pride in his work and never gives up. I don’t care if he cleans out sewers, he does it for me, and the family and holds his head up high. That is a great man.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my father. Not a day that I wish I could share my day with him. I want to hear his voice, his laugh, to feel his bear hugs and see into his eyes one more time.  To ask his advice just once more.

I try to honour my father by living like he did. by always improving on myself, by becoming stronger and more caring. I try to treat people with love and respect, even when it’s hard. I try to read everything I can to improve my mind and learn from others. I try to make wise choices, and to lend a helping hand where ever I can. I try to raise my child with love, understanding and open honesty.  I try to not judge people, not at all, not how they look, or talk, or choices they made or religion or anything superficial.

A third grade drop out is my biggest inspiration, my biggest fan, my best friend, and my father.